John Kitchin:  Engineer, Author, Minister

THIS PAGE UNDER DEVELOPMENT.  Public Domain, 2010.

Nude Worship

Why do Pagans worship nude?  Because God created you that way.  God may be Zeus, the Creator, or God The Father of the Blessed Trinity, or the Jewish God, Yahweh.  In Judaism, pronouncing or writing the name of God is a sin, so they say, "He whose Name I am not worthy to utter."  God may also be Holy Allah.  May He be praised.

Your body is a holy masterpiece, a gift from the Creator.  And, you were created quite naked.  If Vincent Van Gogh, the famous artist, painted you a nude, showing off the work of God's creation, would you cover the private parts with a fig leaf?  Even if you did, would you uncover those parts, temporarily removing the fig leaf, when having the artist himself over to lunch?

Church is God's house, and when having that artist over to lunch (or vice versa), removal of the fig leaf is in order.  Otherwise, you insult God.  If God wanted you to have clothing, you would have been born with fur, like most animals.  Humans are unique among Primates for a reason:  The human body is art.  When communicating in prayer with the Master Artist, remove your clothing.

"The Wicker Man" is a movie about Paganism, in which Britt Ekland dances completely naked, on-camera.  It's an old movie, but clearly shows an authentic ritual.  And, a whole lot of men would like to see a young Ekland sans ropa.  It's on satellite, occasionally.  Cult classic, if you excuse the pun.

Being sky-clad, clothed only with the sky, is a great equalizer, because, rich or poor, nobody is worried about what to wear to church!  Under Religious Freedom, we worship at Black's Beach, San Onofre, and we once had a worship service in Balboa Park.  I was part of that, and a sponsor of the similar gathering in San Dieguito Park, in North County.

Ancient Paganism:  The Middle of the Pentagram Star

The reason I refer people to Selena Fox, instead of me, for definitions on much of this is that, normally, when people want to know about Paganism, they want to know about her branch, Wicca, Modern Paganism (Moderna, goddess of liesure), not my Ancient Paganism.  They are both represented by parts of the Pentagram, the 5-pointed star of the religion.  There are 6 parts to the star in reality, 5 points and a pentagon in the middle.

Each of the points stands for one major spiritual tradition:  Judaism, Christianity, Islam (Moslem), Oriental Mysticism, and Modern Paganism.  At the center, the "roots" of each of the 5 points, is a five-sided figure, a pentagon.  It is the pentagon, the roots of the 5 spiritual traditions, which (witch?) I represent.

My job, here in the middle, is to get the religions to work together to solve problems.  For example, Pagan Bishop John Schlitz is famous for the saying, "Governments declare war.  Religions declare peace."  It is only recently that Schlitz, somewhere between a super-genius and a fruitcake, has "come out" and started writing using his real name. 

The major essence of Ancient Paganism is that no one can be forced to believe anything.  So, if your beliefs (or sexual preferences) are one way or another, how can you be asked to change that?  I'm hetero, but I fight for gay rights.  Obviously, Pagans don't recruit new members, as that would be asking people to change their beliefs to fit ours.  That won't work.

Another famous saying of Most Rev. Schlitz is, "Religion is like ice cream:  It would be boring if there were only one flavor."  The point of Religious Freedom is that not being able to force anyone to believe anything, we must then approach the problem from the other end:  Ask people what they believe, and then create religions which reasonably accomodate those beliefs.  This is not rocket science.

If your religion worships cardboard boxes, that's pretty goofy.  But if you call your religion "The Recyclers", and your religious mission is to clean up the environment, you could very well get papers certifying it as a real religion under Ancient Paganism.  Here's the way you would do that:

One branch of your religion does technology work.  They try to come up with more environmentally-friendly ways to manufacture and recycle cardboard.  You hire engineers, chemists, and technologists.  Another branch of your religion runs recycling bins.  A third branch, the Public Relations arm of your religion (a Public Relations Officer is called a "Bishop") promotes t-shirts encouraging recycling.

You raise money for your recycling website by having cardboard, bottle, can, and waste paper recycling drives.  Show me you have baptism-circumcision-wiccaning to glorify birth, a funerary process to handle bereavement, processes of religious law, marriage, and so on, and you are getting legal papers.  I'm the bishop, and that's just the PR man, but it'll happen.  A Mormon bishop is a business manager, nothing more.  A bishop of Ancient Paganism is an author.  There are no professional privileges which come with the job.

I do not do liturgy, supervise clergy, ordain, confirm, and all that good stuff.  My supervision of religions is strictly by pencil (or computer terminal).  If your policy offends me, all I can do is write.  I'm the PR man, not Zeus (Zeus is Yahweh, God the Father, Allah, The Creator, Mother Nature, Goddess, Goddess California, etc.)

I am a minister to the clergy, not the public, and so I often must write on 2 levels, and sometimes 3.  Mark Twain was famous for this.  You either understand one, or two, or all 3 levels.  This is because I must speak to clergy about Spirituality, yet have no one else out there know what else is being said.

Marriage

The original concept of Ancient Pagan marriage goes back over 7,000 years, and thus pre-dates Judaism.  It says that only the wife may own real estate, chariots, livestock, and other worldly goods.  And, only the wife may have child custody, too.  The husband, who presumably has a skill, gets his tools and clothing.  Nothing else.  No alimony nor child support, though.

Without previous legal papers (called a Pre-Nup, today), the wife gets everything in a divorce.  So, to go get married, go see a scribe (lawyer, notary public) about papers.  They will give each party a copy, and retain one.  No clergy is necessary at a wedding, but it helps.  Clergy run wedding catering businesses.  That's to make the marriage a success, by making it more memorable to the bride and groom.

Rather than "Till Death Do Us Part", the wedding vows say "For As Long As Our Love For Each Other Shall Last."  Nowadays, just like in Ancient Pagan times, either the husband or the wife can call it quits.  Not so, once upon a time.  Still not so in Italy. 

Divorce is a clergy matter.  Priest represents husband, and priestess represents wife.  Unity is that the priest and priestess are husband and wife themselves.  The High Priest and High Priestess, the spiritual heavyweights, are not involved.

Options:  Increase the couple's love for each other, break the marriage temporarily, or permanent breakup, carrying out the Pre-Nup. 

Nowadays, Pagan Marriage involves a lawyer, who gets 4 fees:  His marriage, her marriage, his divorce, and her divorce.  Pre-Nups, plus ready-to-file divorce papers, all before the knot gets tied.  The lawyer has to obtain the marriage license, if there is no clergy involved in the wedding.  I don't do liturgy, but will get you a marriage license, for a fee.  You must either have a Pagan or Jewish Kosher wedding caterer, or get a waiver (because, for example, you might be a minister).  If the wedding is held in a church, the church will cater the event, and provide clergy and liturgy.

Now you know why I say in my law writings that divorce should be outlawed, as soon as they outlaw marriage.  Pagan marriage and divorce are okay.

The reason marriages break up so frequently is that the system design is flawed:  How can we expect one person to be lover, husband or wife, father or mother, spiritual partner, etc., filling hundreds of different roles?  What if you have one person who supplies your affection, massage, non-sexual sleep needs, and is a good parent for your kids, while a different person fulfills your sexual and intellectual needs?

Multiple husbands and wives permeates all of history, and goes on today.  A religious order, for example, is a group marriage, even in Christianity.  Moslems may, under the laws of Holy Allah, have 4 wives under some circumstances.  A member of the Old Mormon Church may have more than one wife, if that does not disobey any civil law. 

A Pagan Bishop may have 12 wives, provided that they are used only for church business, and not for procreation nor recreation.  A shiek, with a harem, can have an unlimited number of wives, and loan them out.

I have 4 "wives" (I've never been legally married to anyone) but rarely use them.  Bishops aren't heavyweights spiritually, but Catholic Bishops aren't, either.  A Catholic Bishop uses "Facilitators" for sacramental purposes, such as Confirmation (Bar/Bas Mitzvah).  These "Facilitators" are heavyweight lay nuns, and are not officially nuns.  In Ancient Pagan terminology, they are Bishop's Wives.  That's a clergy thing, not a wedding one.

Writing this, I'm having a lot of trouble coming up with enough love to do so.  It is frequently suggested that I participate more in Spirituality, but there is a danger in that.  Combining a spiritual heavyweight, such as a High Priest or High Priestess with a Bishop (political heavyweight), in the same person, creates a King or Queen.  Kings and Queens are one step down from being a god, and completely prohibited.  Kings and Queens have military armies, for example.  Hasn't been one of those in over 700 years.  As for the step above a King, that of a god, the Christian word for a god is "Saint", especially "Patron Saint".  The Most Rev. John Lennon is considered a god.  (Patron Saint of British/Britannia Music, St. John of Liverpool.)

One of my "wives" is undercover, working as a Roman Catholic "Priestess", or nun.  Since we have the Lawyer in Blue Jeans (probably a trademark), and the Lawyer (and Bishop) Who Lives on the Sidewalk, why not the Nun in the Miniskirt?  She's real.

Last night I slept platonically with 2 "wives" to get recharged so I could write this.  One gay, the other bi, great friends.  I got massaged, and my body was treated like a Holy Object, and Art of The Creator.  Zeus, of course.  I'm all smiles, plus I didn't have to sleep on a cold sidewalk.  The women offered me menage-a-trois, but I declined.  Need to conserve spiritual resources, including them.  The bi one is a priestess, so if my needs are sexual tantrism, she'd be the go-to guy...or gal, actually.  Do need that very badly, but can't spare the love to do it.  Haven't done that in over 15 years.

Hey, I don't get paid to do any of this, nor do I get paid to run the Tijuana Rescue Mission.  I do get Holy Fuck, and, yes, that's where the term comes from.  It's Ancient Pagan.  Duty first, party later.  Not anywhere near enough love right now to even accomplish what's listed below.

You know you're getting famous when they no longer ask for your passport at the border.

Spirituality

I use the word a lot.  Spirituality is a religion's way of dealing with God.  (Or, with that religion's gods.)  It is used to summon the power of God to baptism, in recognition of a new life.  And, in Confirmation, in recognition of a new adult.  And, in Marriage, to bless a couple which has been officially authorized by their church to produce and care for new children.  Depending upon the religion, there may be other sacraments which deal with death, sickness, anniversaries, and much more.  Spirituality is used to connect God to people.

Ancient Pagan Spirituality was once the only kind, because there were once no other religions, long ago.  It was the first religion.  It eventually branched out into other religions, the 5 points of the Pentagram Star.  We Ancient Pagans are very proud to have invented and contributed all of the spiritual traditions to all of the world's religions.

There are, however, about 18 different spiritualities, total.  Only 5 ever developed into major, ongoing, religious branches.  The other 13 forms of spiritual tradition are still contained only in the Pentagon, the center of all religions, in the middle of the Pagan Star.  Ancient Paganism today uses all other religions' spiritual traditions, plus at least several that no other religion uses, or is even privy to.

I ran into somebody yesterday, an intellectual, who said that I'd never get enough spirituality (connection with the gods or God) to be able to accomplish any of the objectives in this book.  She said that the other religions won't allow it, because of my ADD (disease) past.  Well, when I was handed my tiny ruby, that I wear on my chest, I was also given knowledge of very unusual and highly effective spiritual traditions unique to the center of the star.  I'm amazed, didn't know, and most ministers still don't.  My advantage.

I'm actually going to explain to the "foreign" (different religious tradition) clergy a couple of them not considered too secret to reveal.  And, to the faithful out there, stay tuned for a really nice group of stories and parables.  I will be telling everybody about a few magic spells that actually work.  This isn't Harry Potter's Hogwarts Academy, and I'm not Dumbledorf, but the fictional character does come from this particular branch of the star, not Wicca.

This will be tetra-level.  You get the door prize (a confessional door?) if you can read all 4 levels.

Nazi Oppression

I recently got thrown out of a store for wearing my 5-pointed star, a Pagan pentagram.  The only thing I said in reply was (softly), "Ever hear of Freedom of Religion?"  We Pagans have seen more discrimination against us than the Jews and Mormons combined!  Maybe that's because we've always fought for gay rights, marriage-of-three, public nude worship, religious use of beer and wine, the rights of women, the rights of all races, and freedom of the press.  Some people hate all that.  We've performed same-sex marriages for about nine thousand years.

Hitler oppressed the Jews and others by picking on one small segment of the population at a time.  The saying goes:  "The first day, they came for the Armenians.  I didn't care, because I wasn't Armenian.  The second day, they came for all the Black people.  I didn't care, because I wasn't Black, either.  The third day, they came for me."  Individual Pagans are underground right now, pretending to be members of other religions, or pretending to have no religion at all.  Like the Jews under Adolph Hitler.  We're judges, lawyers, doctors, dancers, publishers, nuclear power plant operators, airline pilots, military generals, and lots more. 

I call for coming-out, at least a little bit, to see if the Ancient Source Religion (Paganism), which became all other religions, can once again be free to worship in peace.  The Pagan Church, for example, recognizes the Atheists as a denomination.  There are also Goddess worshippers, who are the same thing as Christians or Jews except that God is a female, our Mother in Heaven.  If God is our Father in heaven, then who is our Mother in Heaven?  Change any one fundamental rule, and only the Pagans will recognize your church.

Religion is like ice cream:  If there were only one flavor, it would be boring.  Same with sexual preferences.  Same with cultures, foods, even races.  California is the goddess of the horn-of-plenty, or the goddess of fruits and vegetables (Vegan).  She opposes the slaughter of one's fellow animals.  That's sort of a form of cannibalism, for one animal to eat other animals, unless it is strictly a carnivore.

The goddess Liberty, or Lady Liberty, is the goddess (Patron Saint) of the United States of America, a very great and important country.  She has the most powerful military in the history of the world.  Finally now, due to the work of the Lady Liberty League, fallen heroes from her mighty military who served in battle can get a Pagan pentagram on their gravestones.

Another great goddess, Justice, with a blindfold and a scale, is often remembered with statues near courthouses.  I serve her.

I may be "straight", but I fight for gay rights.  I'm Pagan, but I fight for Jews.  I'm male, but I fight hard for the rights of women.  That is literally how the rules of the religion go.  That's why the oppression:  Too liberal for many.  Not everyone agrees with all of my beliefs, either.  That's why religions have synods.

Pagan Customs

Marriage is called Handfasting, similar to hand-fastening, and involves tying together the husband and wife's wrists.  This is where the expression "tying the knot" comes from.  Divorce is Handparting, and is done strictly by clergy, and not lawyers.  I cover both in my section on Marriage, above.

Religious secrecy forbids talking about religion outside of church.  Church is wherever Pagans have gathered.  It is sometimes a building, but more often a piece of the great outdoors.  It is a Holy Place, as defined by the Ancient Pagan traditions of the Native Americans.  Only the bishop can speak about religion outside of church, so refer any questions to her.  Bishops are always female.  Yes, I know.  Too sexist to have all females, plus somebody might have a question that is best answered by a male.  Hence, John Schlitz, who has held the post since about 1989.  21 years.

If somebody wears a Pentagram, they will attract people of like thinking.  Since nobody can talk about religion outside of church, and they might want to talk, they might invite each other to church.  Or, somebody can get referred to a bishop.  They usually write instead of talk.  Curious?  Wear our symbol and we will find you.  Friendly.  We don't prosyletize.  I always thought the root word for that was "prostitution".

Pagan traditions, including Wicca, the point on the star which goes straight up, are self-ordaining.  Declare yourself a minister, and you are one.  That's done to keep the Registry of Ministers nonexistent.  Nobody knows, not even me.  If your knowledge is lacking, same will become evident.  Sit tight.  We're everywhere.  If I gotta send a High Priestess over to go sit on your face, or whatever, well, you asked for it.

It's all OJT, On the Job Training.  It means we don't need seminaries.  They're the religious equivalent of a law school, anyway.  GIGO.  Garbage In, Garbage Out.  Not to be confused with GEICO, a very good brand of car insurance.  Always wanted to see both the Cave Man and the Lizard in the same TV commercial.  Maybe the Super Bowl.  No, not enuf time for that.

Other customs include marriages which contain more people than 2, but those are illegal because of the Nazi society in which we live.  I'll make you a "religious order", which is the same thing.  With just one male and one female, marriage is easy.  Go see a lawyer about a Pre-Nup.

Pagans wear a Pentagram necklace, if out-of-closet, the size of the icon corresponding to their spiritual rank.  Big pentagrams mark the person, sort of like a man wearing a yamika, or perhaps a huge crucifix (or a Roman collar).  It's a distance warning.  Some of the women can literally knock a person out-cold and unconscious from a distance of three feet (one meter), without touching them!  We've all seen religious television displays where the minister touches someone and they fall to the ground.  That's not fake.

Bishops wear a tiny ruby around their neck, and their spiritual rank is zero.  But they command clergy.  Supervise, no; command, yes.  Anyone wearing both a Pentagram and a ruby at the same time (Spiritual Bishop) is marked as a King or Queen, and those are strictly prohibited to have at all!  The penalty is crucifixion, under Old Roman Pagan law.  Kings and Queens have armies, military ones.  It's a declaration of war.  Pagans have evolved beyond war.

Taboo:  Religion, Sex, Politics, and Lost Traditions.  Let Freedom Reign!

Combine 2, and you've got interesting stuff.  Combine all 4, and you're writing the Kaballah.  (Analogous to the Roman Canon of the Catholic Church.  It's the Book of Jewish Secrets.)  Secrets are written in languages that are not understood by the Faithful, such as the languages Latin or Ancient Hebrew.

Ancient Paganism's first taboo is that no church may extort money from its parishioners by committing the Crime of Tithe.  That's when someone has to pay money just to belong to a church!  Obviously, the Mormons are our good buddies on this one.  To quote God, Jesus of Nazareth, "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's."  Who am I to quote Jesus?  His writings are everywhere, and legendary.  He even speaks to the Nation of Islam (Moslems) and appears in their Holy Bible, the Quoran (Koran).  You can quote Jesus to Moslems out of their own holy book!  He spoke to the Jews, too (Hebrews).

Yes, Jesus of Nazareth is also a Pagan God, but His name gets capitalized.  Failure to capitalize "god" when writing about Jesus insults Christians.  Sort of like talking about Yahweh to a Conservative Jew.  I'm still trying to figure out if I can call Jewish Chabad the "Jewish Salvation Army".  Well, I just did.  I finally came up with a name for the Pagan Public Service branch, Freedom Reigns.  I had to ask John Schlitz, but I'm the one person who can always find him.

It took a long time to arrive at Freedom Reigns as a religious branch, and here's some of the Outside The Box logic:  Five Points sounds too much like Twelve Steps, or even a streetcorner.  Share and Ladle have been taken.  Justice League (goddess Justice) is in the comic book business; Superman's okay, but Green Lantern was always my favorite. 

California Dreaming?  (The goddess of Agriculture, plus "dreaming" about better situations.)  Is "Thunderbird" a wine, a car, or a god?  University of Phoenix?  The Phoenix is a mythological bird that ignites, burns, dies, and is reborn as a much smarter bird.  Great name for a university!  Some people think it's named after a city in Arizona.  Imagine that!

How about HomeGoddess?  Home is the opposite of homeless, and Goddess is Mother Nature, or God.  Evokes images of the evolved Jewish American Princess, or the Housewife (baby sanitation engineer).  No, that's so far outside the box that it stinks like poopy diapers.  Poop factories should have to have environmental licenses, even if they're very small, and call themselves babies.  Diaper Permit 28606-B.  They make the world a giant outhouse.  Growing up in Wisconsin, I never learned how to milk a cow.  Now, I'm learning to milk a human.  What percentage of ADD or Autism kids were breast-fed?  Want my guess on that?  Didn't think you wanted to know.

So, Lady Liberty's other name is Freedom.  Freedom is the same goddess.  Hence, Freedom Rules Forever, or Freedom (the goddess) Reigns.  The Salvation Army (or Chabad) movement in Paganism shall be called Freedom Reigns.  Let Freedom Reign!

Now for the jokes:  Does that have anything to do with loose horses?  Freedom due to loose reigns?  What do we call our beloved clients, Reigndear?  Looking for Santa Claus?  Saw him down at the Rescue Mission.  He was talking to Elvis, who is also out of work.

Freedom Reigns operates this website, the Tijuana Rescue Mission, the Free Meal Program Index, the Public Service Pagan Ministries, and is keeper of the 13 lost spiritual traditions, in the middle of the 5-pointed star.  Probably Wicca will use the same name.

On to lost spiritual traditions.  One is similar to a "tracking cookie".  The Jews, to hide from Hitler, had to be able to identify other Jews, yet not let anyone else know.  We (Ancient Pagans) got involved.  Once there was an obscure toothpaste, Old Witch Brand, and it contained a funny symbol.  Pagans liked it, and used it every day.

Toothpaste is used every day, mostly spit out, some residue is swallowed, and it makes your mouth smell like whatever perfume or flavoring the manufacturer used.  Plus, nobody eats a bunch of it, nor do they stockpile 8 dozen cases of the stuff.  Just hygiene. 

The name "Old Witch" is a giveaway, and it makes your breath smell the same as certain other people.  From there, you speak code words, exchange secret signs, and so on.  This is how the Jews survived inside Nazi Germany.  We taught them.  At one time, our symbol appeared on genuine Tabasco brand hot sauce.  You needed to smell the difference between genuine Tabasco of Louisiana, versus competitors.  If you've got a 20-year-old bottle, our logo is on there!

Yes, it's a "tracking cookie".  Or was.  Never mind what we use today.  The bishop has to stay "zero" spiritually, to avoid corrupting the tracking cookie.  Of course, if Pagans are out-of-the-closet, then we don't need any tracking cookies.  What's in it for me?

Getting back to taboos:  Tithe, discrimination, greed, making money from religion, and, oh yes:  Pagans never talk about religion outside of church.  Forbidden.  Except the bishop.  It's a secret religion, remember?  Like the Masons, one of our churches.  It's their pyramid on the back of the dollar bill.

Besides tracking cookies, there's a thing used by overnight camps.  Hot chocolate and cookies around the campfire, before heading off to bed in a tent.  By morning, you'll feel refreshed, grab some hot coffee, and head out to the solar-heated showers.  There are no shower curtains.  We're Pagans, remember?  A shower is polishing God's art!

Think of overnight camping with the clergy as sort of an 8-hour sleepy-time liturgy.  To do that in a big city, you'd have to run a hotel, or maybe a rescue mission.  When people dream, they think religious things.  We all do.

The third unusual tradition deals with cats.  Cats can be very spiritual, and that's why the association with witches and cats.  Cats are spiritual when they purr, which is why they were worshipped in Ancient Egypt.  Some large Hawaiian birds can do that, too.

The fourth, and last, glimpse of our unique system is called GM.  That's Genetic Memory, not those car and truck people.  One reason the Mormons study geneology is that most of a person's DNA is empty space, not used for any known purpose.  What's really there is memories from their parents, grandparents, and so on.  When you make a baby, some of your DNA is used to form the blueprints for that baby.  Much more of your DNA is encoded memories, from you.

Your children contain knowledge from you, at birth.  And, knowledge that you passed down to them from your parents, grandparents, and so on.  It's in their DNA, which you provided when you procreated them.  This is the source of people suddenly chanting in languages that they don't know, or being able to play piano despite severe mental disability, or, perhaps, writing a book on religion despite having no religious training whatsoever.  (I wonder who's doing that?)

The common word is "savant", and there are all sorts of levels.  I probably hold the World's Record on that.

The ultimate "knowledge at birth" species is the honeybee.  Bees are born with all of the knowledge they will need in life.  No schooling necessary, right down to language.  Everything instinct.  How appropriate that the Mormons, who study Genetic Memory, use a beehive as a religious symbol.

COLORFUL (AND NICE) story about the Mormons, really, not facetiously, was written for this area here, but censored out.  Who by?  Can't say.

Unfortunately, genetic memory can be used to brainwash, control, exterminate ideas, and lots of bad stuff.  If the Mormons knew how it really worked, they'd be dangerous.  I purposely led everybody astray here.  Read between the helices.

That's 3 forms of religion that you never considered.  My mentioning Abraham (biblical figure, see page C6) was not by accident.  We'll get there.  Abraham was a Semitic Pagan who founded Judaism.  One God, not many gods, no idols, only one husband or wife, and all of these new things shocking to the Pagans!  A real radical, and a religious one at that.  When Abraham was young, he looked around and decided what he wanted to correct or change.  How he could "herd" the Nomadic Jews is beyond my ability to comprehend.

John Schlitz wrote recently (as John Kitchin, his/my real name, in the San Diego Reader):  "Sheep like being herded.  Goats oppose it.  And herded cats will bite you, or poop on your bed!"  Herding Jews?  That's worse than herding cats, it's herding tigers!  The last guy who tried to tell the Jews what to do as a religion and culture was Jesus of Nazareth.  We all know what happened to Him.

By the way, Genetic Memory is a good case against abortion.  Remind me of that the next time I suggest that abortion become a "holy sacrament".  That's why my Philosophy page says "only half-seriously" when it talks about the Sacrament of Abortion.  I'm not joking, but not serious, either.  Lost knowledge is bad.

The Main Event:  Peace at Last, as the World's Religions Declare Peace Between Palestine and Israel

All of you Inside-The-Box people failed at this for 65 years straight.  My turn, and it's so idiotic that it'll work!  As ridiculous as suggesting on my Editorial Page that capital crimes executions be carried out by a lethal overdose of human love.  I proposed that seriously, and still do.  Don't make me publish the details, such as an engineering diagram.  Any radio engineer can do that.  Me not needed.  Got more important work to do.  If it works, I'll probably get a holiday named after me.

I can't (personal protocol, Philosophy page) represent or help Israel at all, as a victim years ago of Judaic spirituality.  Never been resolved.  Hurts too badly, so I don't think resolution will ever be possible.  But, I can, for the sake of Palestine, approach the problem like this:

Peace between Palestine and Israel would greatly enrich and improve the lives of the Palestinian People.  So, for the sake of Palestine, I will format a solution to this problem.  I'm totally serious about this.  Watch me. 

First off, I cannot declare Palestine a state.  I can, however, declare them to be a religion.  John Schlitz hereby declares the People and Nation of Palestine to be a religion, unto themselves, and due all respect that any religion would merit from governments and other religions.  Step one taken.  Now we have a religious conflict, not a military one.  Disarm.  Governments declare war.  Religions declare peace.

When we get done with all this, you can all go back to killing each other, but killing is not what religions are supposed to do.  We're in the love business, not the business of death and pain.  Right now, fighting is just too stupid to do.  There has to be a time limit, or Israel will stall forever.  Give it a short time.  Details to follow.

Anybody out there know how conflicts between religions are handled?  Of course not; you'd have to be a Bishop to know that.  Okay, here goes:  Within a religion, if you don't like the behavior of the clergy, or the actions of that religion, or its beliefs, you complain to a Bishop, Rabbinical Council Chairperson, Chief Ayatollah, or whatever.  Since that usually does nothing, you can then go to someone in a competing religion, of that rank, and state your case.

Religions change from within and without.  A big enough problem involving a lot of people may result in a religion breaking into different synods, or political divisions.  In Judaism, Orthodox Jews are a different synod than Reform Jews.  They're both completely Jewish; they just disagree about what their religion stands for, or how its people should properly behave. 

What about Jewish Zionists?  Yes, some of them are as terrorist as the PLO.  But they hide behind a big menorah, screaming defamation and anti-semitism the moment anyone tries to de-radicalize or demilitarize them.  Jews will have to weed out the more radical Zionists, and officially remove them from Judaism, as a threat to the peace and stability of Israel.  Radical Zionists make the PLO necessary.  Obviously, making the Palestine Liberation Organization, a terrorist group, NEED TO EXIST, is not in the best interest of Judaism nor Israel.

So, how do you find the closet radicals in a group that looks like everyday people?  You combine technology with religion.  This could have been used to clear innocent people out of Guantanamo Bay years ago.  I proposed it, but nobody listens to people who are Outside The Box.

I propose a World Religious Tribunal which will hear religious arguments only, related to Palestine and Israel.  Judges will be from religions such as Buddhism, Modern Paganism, and Ancient Paganism, because they are not religious parties to the proceedings. 

Getting back to proving people innocent at Guantanamo Bay, we have the technology.  Remember the old Star Trek episode where Captain Pike, in a wheelchair, got hooked up to a computer that could verify the truthfulness of his court testimony?  Can be done today, with a combination of polygraph (lie detector) and MRI (brain scan) technology.  Different parts of the brain are used to tell the truth from memory versus to make up and/or tell lies.  And, it lights up on a screen for everybody to see.  Can't fake it.  Can't fake anything.

Anyone involved in this process must go thru that type of computer scan.  Ideally, in order to live in Israel, Palestine, or nearby, you must have a passport card with a microchip in it.  You can't even live in your own country without it.  It proves that you are not a terrorist.  Your brain was scanned when terrorism questions were asked.  You were polygraphed at the same time, and the combination of the two is as airtight as DNA evidence.

Verification of valid versus stolen cards occurs not only by a picture on the card, but also via a fingerprint data-base.  Why fingerprints?  Because their use in law enforcement is ubiquitous.  Huge data-base already.  Someday, crossing the border into the US will be as easy as showing your hand to a fingerprint scanner.

Use a photocopy of somebody else's fingerprints?  Won't work.  The scan is in 3D, looking for the ridges of your fingers.  A flat piece of paper doesn't have any of that.  This is not photographic technology.  It's holographic.  The reason why fingerprints work best is that the police somewhere in Ohio may be working on a cold case where the only evidence they have is the killer's prints.  The hand scanner is connected with the world fingerprint data base.  Cold case solved.  And, if you're going out for a cold case, make mine either Corona or Coors Light.

Preparation For Peace:  Proving God's Existence

First off, a couple of religions out there have regulations which say that everyone goes directly to Hades (hell) unless they are a member of that particular religion.  I think of that teaching exactly what I think of child pornography:  Freedom, but that goes too far!  Religious Freedom does not allow you to damn everyone else except your churchgoers!  Anyone with a rule like that is working for Satan.  They might not even know it, but trust me, they are.  I can smell his tracking cookie.

The two religious traditions involved in this Religious Crime are the Christians (Catholics and Protestants) and the Moslems (Nation of Islam).  It is from without, and not within, your religions that I must issue this Fatwah:

In the interest of world peace, it is a great sin under both God The Father and Holy Allah to suggest that there is only one possible path to heaven, eternal bliss, or oneness with the Holy Creator.  (S)he who disobeys this edict shall be beheaded by himself/herself, or face the fate of all world religions cursing them forever.  This is the word of God The Father and Holy Allah.  No religious war, crusade, inquisition, or jihad is to take place over this ruling, as religions do not kill.

Sorry, no jokes here.  I try to insert a little bit of humor, but that does not work here.  This part is very serious business.  Religions don't live in a vacuum.  I call upon the Jews, Modern Pagans, Ancient Pagans, and Eastern Mystics to carry this out.  Essential for world peace.  Let us declare peace.

I learned in the law business to first cover your Stipulations.  That is, never argue about those things which you agree upon.  Establish unchallenged common ground first, and then argue from there.

We Christians and Moslems agree that there is a God, who created us, and who has a very holy Name.  We respect God by using our religions.  We try to find out what God wants by listening to His Word, and reading His Word that He has provided for us.  We hold marriage, family, children, death, and religious principles to be sacred.  And we hold life itself to be holy and sacred.

Anyone, from any religion have a problem with that?  The Atheists?  Okay, I'm your bishop.  Do you see what I'm trying to do here?  In Atheist terms, the step beyond Atheism, into Hyper-Atheism is called clergy, especially Bishop.  I'm both of those, and all 7 things that are nouns in the previous sentence.

Read my Philosophy section.  I'm an old hippie.  I believe in people.  This website is either one of the most fantastic works ever written, or it is merely an excursion thru the mind of a madman.  Either way, so be it.  It could also be a member of the clergy, me, finding God.  If that happens, the whole process will be chronicled for all of you here.  God exists whenever the chances of coincidence bear a gugol of probability against them.  200 coincidences per second, continuous.

Evolution is no proof of God, because it took so long as to probably be a coincidence.  If a species evolved in just 20 seconds, and then kept evolving, that might be different.  Failing all possible explanations, that might be God.

When I saw a jet hit the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York, Sept. 11, 2001, on television, I thought it must be a very tragic aviation accident.  Then, I saw the second tower get hit.  That was no accident!  Being outside of the realm of all possibility of coincidence proves God.  So, to all of you heavily-religious types, sit tight.  If there's a God, She's on her way!

Mommy (or daddy) might be coming to spank a little boy named Abraham.  He's trying to re-write Judaism, because he got it wrong the last time.  That's a big no-no, and it sounds like a witch-hunt to me.  None of this paragraph is serious.

The Parable of Satan

Satan has always had a problem being worshipped.  Really bad PR.  People hate him.  So one day he had an idea:  Confuse everybody.  Hide in plain sight.  To cause the maximum amount of confusion, and steal a lot of souls, Satan secretly changed his name to Jesus!  The real Jesus was very upset about that.

Unfortunately, Jesus can't send Satan to hell, because he's already there.  So, the Real Jesus drew a distinction between himself and the "Other, Fake" Jesus by having his Real Jesus churches do good deeds:  Bake sales, community meals, singles groups, law clinics, fundraising for the local softball team, and so on. 

Not to be outdone, Satan increased the level of confusion by having his churches do the same thing:  Look beneficial.  Lots of public service.  Free uniforms for the soccer team.  Worship Jesus!  People didn't know he wasn't the real Jesus.  People are sheep.  They never woke up and smelled the fire and brimstone (sulfur).

That's where we sit today.  Many churches worship the real Jesus, and many worship Satan, but they think they're worshipping Jesus.  People just don't know.  How do you tell which church yours is?  Two ways:  First off, Section B1, the Free Meals Index, has a Cult Warning near the top of the page.  This is a guide as to what a (secretly) Satanic Jesus-church looks like.  I make no judgements, just give warning signs.

Second, and most easy of them all, is to ask the Great Question:  "Minister, can someone get to heaven by being a good Jew or Buddhist?  Never knowing Jesus?  Is there more than one pathway to God?"

A "yes" answer means that your church worships the Real Jesus, not the False Satanic Jesus.  What about a "no" answer?  "NO!  You must worship ME and ONLY ME!  JeeeeeeZusssssss!"  (said with a hiss).

Tell Satan I ran into some of his "holy" lawyers, temple money-changers, and even 2 armies of his.  One army works for Israel, and the other for Palestine, and they're fighting it out for the title of Evilweight Champion of the World.  Get back in the box, guys, you'll catch cold out there.

The Devil's In The Details

This section was censored out of this website.  Before you start getting upset, it is true that knowlege of what's being done, if it gets out, might hamper the peace process between Israel and Palestine.  Sorry about that.  I write solutions, but I do not implement them. 

The PC (Pagan Clergy) does have this information, along with the US Navy, State Dept., and even the Religious Police.  If I'm still alive and operating this website (need to shut down in DAYS for lack of funding!), I will publish all this...as soon as it's too late to stop it merely by knowing what is to be done, and how.

Most Rev. John (Schlitz) Kitchin.  Shalom

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