John Kitchin:  Engineer, Author, Minister

Copyright 2010, John Kitchin.  All Rights Reserved.  LIFO page, read down till you read it before.  New stuff, top.  [THIS AUTHOR WROTE FOR JOHNNY CARSON. -  Webmaster.]

When the toilets are out of order in Mexico, they put out a yellow sign that says "Piso Mojado", piss on the floor.  It isn't clear whether that's a warning about the piss that is already on the floor, or an instruction on what to do.  Pretty clear that somebody already pisso all over the mojado.  (Piso means floor, and mojado means wet.)

Hobblow Espagññyolle, perro eskreebow mooey mahlow.  (Eye speeeke Spannich, butt rite verri badd.)  Try writing that on MS-Word to see how many squiggly lines it draws.  I usually get "thunderstorm warnings".  They need a setting that makes the program "extra stupid" for doing art and poetry where words are intentionally misspelled.

I was looking for a can of squirrel meat, for a recipe, and the supermarket didn't have any.  The recipe said I could substitute woodchuck or prairie dog, or even mole.  So, I found a can of mole, with a picture on the label of a mole's butt portion covered with brown sauce.

Cock fighting is gruesome, and even worse when chickens do it.  I'd try it sometime, but I'm afraid of getting bruised.

The Tijuana Tap Water Commission is abbreviated CESPT, or Cesspit.  Appropriate?  They also get rid of sewage the old-fashioned way:  Dump it into the Pacific Sewer (formerly called an ocean).  People swim in that toilet!  Good way to get hoof-and-mouth disease, or have a turd (sidewalk slider) fly into your open mouth during a big wave.

Here at Smith-Barney, we make money the old-fashioned way:  We steal it!  Just a joke; they're okay, but I'm joking about Bernie Madoff, who "Made Off" with lots of cash.  Hey, the Brooklyn Bridge is still for sale.  Big Joe has the title deed in his safe deposit box.  He bought it from that circus guy, P.T. Barnum.  It's a steal, literally.

The 3 worst things that can happen to a man are that he can get a divorce, or get his balls cut off, like they do to little kitty-cats, or he can run out of beer.  One of those 3 things can be easily reversed.

The "Beatnik" Generation resulted in the "Now" Generation, followed by the "Hip" Generation, then the "New" Generation, the "Us" Generation, the "Me" Generation, the "Self" Generation, and now the "Fuck You" Generation.  What's next, the "Shoot To Kill" Generation?  Did he say friendly or fiendly?

I don't go to Panda Express because it's bad luck to eat an Endangered Species.

Some of the cable Public Access channels allow postings of X-rated home movies.  Pubic Access?

Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Cash for any vehicle!  Car doesn't run?  We pay cash!  Totalled in an accident?  We pay cash!  No longer need it?  We pay cash!  Found it in your driveway?  We pay cash!  Not even your car?  We pay cash!  Stole it last weekend?  We pay cash!  2 miles south of the Otay Mesa border crossing.  Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Brand-new cars from just $600!  That's not the downpayment, that's the total price!  All vehicles subject to prior theft, and come with a realistic-looking Mexican title.  Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Drive a new car today, without all the hassle of having to pay for one!

Walking around Downtown San Diego, you gotta watch out for hupoo (long "u", like hoo-poo), human poop, also known as "sidewalk sliders", because it's slippery when fresh, and you can lose your balance.  Then you become a "chocolate" covered tourist.  Downtown toilets are an endangered feces...or, species.  No, doggie didn't do the doo.  It's hupoo.  Stop farting around and watch your step!

Radiocarbon Dating is when a 60-year old archaeology professor has a hot encounter with a 20-year-old grad student in the middle of a prehistoric dig.  Always good grades.  Not the same as Speed Dating, when both people get high on amphetamines, first, hoping to someday drop a litter of dope-addicted kids.  Cyber-dating is when computers get attracted to each other.  They usually complain about humans getting in their way.

Casinos make poker chips, snack food companies make potato chips, cows make cow chips, and little cockroaches make micro-chips.

To save money, San Diego's MTS (Metropolitan Transit System) will take a tip from the other MTS (Mexican Transit System).  From now on, to save on fuel, only donkey carts will be used, instead of buses.  The El Cajon Transit Center will be re-named the El Cajon Donkey Stables, and please remember that, while on board there is no eating, drinking, smoking, or farting.  And, in consideration of other passengers, please do not urinate on the seats.  Also, stay clear of the back end of the donkeys.

One cop stopped me because my car was leaking fluids.  I assured him that the vehicle was merely marking its territory.

In Spain, your car has 4 gomas, or tires.  In Mexico, they're called llantas.  Ask for a goma for your car, while in Mexico, and people ask if you're trying to keep your car from having little baby cars.  In Mexico, gomas are rubber condoms.  Prevents loose tailpipe disease?

Automotive muffler bearings are essential to make sure your muffler rotates properly under the car.  They're made by the same company that manufactures dehydrated water.

Seen on a t-shirt:  A picture of George W. Bush, with the caption, "W is for Whacko."

It's time we stopped killing innocent Argyles, and making them into Argyle socks, sweaters, and underwear.  What's next, alligators?

The Social Worker asked the little boy, "Are there any siblings in your family?"  "No," replied the boy, "all of us believe in God."

Any day now the Union of Conservative Medflies is going to launch a protest that the Border Patrol and Agriculture Depts. are interfering with their reproductive rights.  Spokespersons for the Flies are a group of insect-eating birds, thought to have an ulterior motive.  None of the Medflies could be reached for comment, although one of them is said to have objected to their nursery being referred to as a bunch of maggots.  The Flies have routinely attempted to destroy sources of human foods, in an attempt to discourage the current rampant over-reproduction of that species.  The Flies' slogan is, "Eat a Plant, Starve a Human!"  The Flies are currently working on a spray that kills human pests on contact.  It should become available shortly.

A "Condominium" (condom-mini-um) is a tiny little condom the doctor puts on his finger before shoving it up your ass.

Adult song, to the tune of "Rubber Duckie" (Sesame Street):  Rubber dildo, you're the one; you make bathtime so much fun; rubber dildo I'm awfully fond of you....You're the favorite of all my toys; when you squeeze me I make noise...   (Almost censored this one, but I am talking about an adult here, not a child!)

You heard of Jimmy Dean sausage?  Try our Jimmy Hoffa sausage!  It's not Ground Chuck, it's ground Sid.

When shopping for kittens, a smaller cat is less ferocious, consumes less food, is easier to pick up, and requires less cat box work.  Besides, everybody likes a little pussy.  Get pussy spayed or neutered, or you'll eventually have so many cats that the neighbors will say your home is a Cat House.  Meow!  Silly human!  I told you I want my filet mignon rare, not medium!  And, where's my side order of shrimp, stuffed with mouse entrails?  You got any of them karaoke?  Thems delicious.

I ♥ MY CAT.   I ♠ MY CAT.

Slaver Ready:  Need slaves?  Our family has been in the slavery business for over 3 thousand years.  You can beat 'em, mistreat 'em, scream at 'em, and even use them for sadistic medical experiments.  Call me, Slaver Eddie, and I'll supply them for you!  Remember the name Slaver Eddie.  We're "Tight Packers", so we pack the ships 17 slaves deep, and many get damaged in the shipment process.  But, we have huge discounts on damaged merchandise!  Way deeper discounts than those bleedin' heart liberal Loose Packers!  Slaver Eddie for all of your slavery needs.  (Chains and whips sold seperately.)

Welcome to Frostbite Falls International Airport, Minneapolis, home of Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the moose.  Also the hub of Northwest (Territories) Airlines.  In a few minutes, we will be landing on a frozen lake, and sleighs will take us to the main terminal.  On the way, feel free to photograph the herds of caribou migrating in from St. Paul.  Thank you for flying East Siberian Airlines, and have a warm, above-freezing day in your heart.

Tourists please note that this was once the North Pole, home of Santa Claus, his workshop, elves, and reindeer.  Facing budget cuts, and a poor economy, Santa had been using only 6 reindeer instead of the usual 8, in order to save money on Purina Reindeer Chow.  Unfortunately, the Border Patrol ran into Santa down at the Rescue Mission, and deported him back to his native part of the North Pole, somewhere in Illinois.  He'll be back someday when he gets a new coyote.

Last year, you may recall, the FAA grounded Santa for exceeding the maximum permitted air-speed, and ticketed him for sleighing under the influence of too much eggnog.  He continued, with an elf as Designated Driver, but poor Santa fell off the roof twice, and barfed trying to woof down some cookies.  He has since cleaned up his act, and now Rudolph is the only one with a red nose.

Santa's in the AA meetings from time to time, and the Reindeer Society is helping care for his herd.  As for his sleigh, it'll be out of the body shop by Christmas, needing repair due to an elf backing it up into a broadcast tower.  The tower was not damaged, but the elf is suffering from a bruised ego.

Bed Bugs are Bar Flies that got out of the larval stage, and started a life of spreading sexually-transmitted diseases.

Navel Oranges didn't just fall off the produce truck yesterday!  They went to the Navel Academy!

Our House Dressing is made from the pieces of a very prestigious house.

I once lived at Cockroach Terrace Apartments.  Everyone was afraid to spray, because they were the only thing holding the building up.  The landlord eventually sold out to Rancho Cucaracha, a South American meat processing company that claims they have over 3 billion head on a tenth of an acre.  Carnie Asada, South American carnival meat.

Girl Scouts for dessert.  Really hard ones, too.  Girl Scouts?  Old Brownies.  Guys are different.  First you're a Boy Scout, then you're a Girl Scout, and then you're an Explorer.

Country gravy makes pretty strong wallpaper paste, but the problem is that both ants and roaches love it.

Ask about new Purina Elderly Chow.  It's liquid, 'cause gramps don't got no teeth.  Just pour it into his bowl.

New Rodent Helper, from the makers of Hamburger Helper.  In the Karaoke Section, with all of the other Japanese Rodent cooking supplies.

Finally, a cigarette that you can use anywhere!  No chance of a forest fire, it won't damage your lungs, and it can be used at work, on a bus stop, or even in a crowded restaurant!  Ask for new Marlboro Injectible.  All the flavor, in Regular or Menthol.  Real cowboys shoot Marlboro in the morning!  It doesn't stink like shit and regular cigarettes (same smell), and works okay even if one of your lungs has already been amputated!  New Marlboro Injectible.  Shoot one up today!

Everybody calls the boss "Mr. Dayhose".  His friends call him Ben or Benjamin.  I call him by his full name, Ben Dayhose.  I work for Ben Dayhose.  I bet you do, too.  (bilingual joke; Pendejos = fuck-head, asshole.) 

Ever wonder if Campbells Soup in South Africa has Cream of Elephant Soup?  We humans do eat all vegetarian animals.  Pachyderm Noodle-Roni?  How about Hip-Hoppin Hippo?  Long-neck bottled giraffe?  Chunky monkey.  Springbok spring rolls.  Lamb Spam actually sounds pretty tasty.  I'll have mine with an ostrich egg and a side order of wild boar bacon.  Make breakfast boaring when you stritch your budget.  Besides, Spam is Lamb spelled sideways.

It is said that Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's Restaurants, had a race horse at Del Mar named Big Mac.  So is the sandwich named after the horse, or vice versa?  McWhinnie-Burger?  At Del Mar, today's winner buys lunch, but today's loser is lunch.  Ground "beaf"?  It's Genuine Appaloosa.  What's that?  Well, it's bigger than a Tennessee Walker, but smaller than a Quarterhorse.  Much smaller than a Clydesdale.  Got a pig?  Name it Harley the Hog, or perhaps Oscar, as in Oscar Mayer (foods).  Babe Alert!  Got a Clydesdale?  Name it Bud.

I always wanted to see one football game a year between the last-place pro team and the first-place college team, or perhaps the College All-Stars.  Punishes the pro team for being last.  Call it the Toilet Bowl, or the Tidy Bowl, and sell bathroom products.  Is your toilet angry because it continually sees your butt hanging over it?  Stop diarrhea with Commodium AD.  Part of the Sewage Reduction Plan.  Ask about our new toilet water fragrance, "Cat Box".  Gets you plenty of personal space on crowded elevators and trolleys.  It's from the makers of OdorOhNo! under-arm reodorant.

When I first moved to San Diego, somebody told me that Abierto was Spanish for roast Chihuahua dog on a bun.  Really.  I went past a Mexican restaurant, and the sign said:  "Open.  Abierto."  I felt sorry for those cute little doggies.  Now, I know better.  Abierto just means "open", in Spanish.  Carne asada perrito is roast Chihuahua on a bun.  When the Taco Bell Chihuahua kept running around yelling "Yo Quiero Taco Bell", they finally gave him his wish, and chopped him up into 3 enchiladas.  Not a lot of meat on those little pups.  That's why Mexican hot dogs don't come in Chihuahua.  You can only get them in 3 flavors, Schnauser, Beagle, or Collie.  Well, there is a 4th flavor, put out by the drug cartels, but John Wayne Bobbit and Jeff Dahmer dogs cost extra.

McDonald's Restaurants once came up with the idea of an Adult Happy Meal, which substituted a salad for fries.  The problem was that people thought it came with an Adult Toy.  A Mayor McCheese McCondom?  How about a Ronald McDonald McVibrator?  A Hamburglar Hash-Pipe?  Or, maybe a McCokespoon?  Bad idea, because of the name.  The concept, more salad, less fries, is a good one.  Way better than Kentucky Fried Rodent.  You can get it in Regular or Extra Greasy.  It's finger-fucking good!  As for chicken nuggets, are those knee sockets or armpits?  Can you cut off a chicken's nuggets without hurting it?  Reminds me of moth balls.  Moths have really huge balls, and they stink so bad that they kill other insects.  Would you like an order of flies with that?

Times are hard.  When I went into the hardware store, looking for a garden hose, I ran into Jimmy The Pimp, working there.  (Jimmy is one of my characters.)  The pimpin' business has been hard hit by the Recession.  "You need hose?  I knows all about ho's", he said.  "Garden hose", I replied.  "Some of my ladies hangs out in the garden, so they be garden ho's."  "Rubber hose", I replied.  Irritated, he said, "All of my ladies got rubbers!  They all be rubber ho's."  Then he began, "The difference between a hotel and a motel be that a ho-tel got ho's.  And when Santa Claus say 'Ho-ho-ho', he want 3 of them bitches."  Three ho's for Santa!

Golf is a game where little animals come out of the ground (golfs) and you club them to death with a golf club.  Their holes are marked with big flags.  When you bag some golfs, you put them in a golf bag, and take them to the clubhouse.  They sell those little golfs to companies that make grits for breakfast.  Gopher grits, a Southern Favorite!

I bought my Mitsusquishi in Esconsqueako.

The man said he could help me lose over 200 pounds of excess ugly fat.  I asked if he was a personal trainer.  "No,", he said, "I'm a divorce lawyer".

Seen on a bumper sticker:  "Born Again Pagan.  My Other Car is a Broom.  My Broom's in the Closet, and so am I."

Karaoke is the largest of all the Japanese rodents.  Bars kill hundreds, and put up a huge sign that sez:  "Karaoke Wednesday Nights."  People come in for a big plateful, boiled, baked, steamed, or fried.  I like mine poached, with a side order of Isuzu Sauce.  The hardest part about eating Karaoke is that you gotta pull the fur off.  Japanese tradition says that when people dine on Karaoke, some of them have to "entertain" the others, by singing loud, and badly, and off-key.  This frightens away the karaoke spirits, so that they don't come back and haunt the bar.

I heard swine flu was a problem, so I started to arrange to get my pig vaccinated.  Too late.  He's already dead from a more prevalent disease:  Dinner.

People always ask me, "What's your sign?"  I usually tell them it's NO PARKING, but also SLIPPERY WHEN WET.

Señor, the reason your order is taking so long is that you ordered dos mariachis con queso.  Mariachis take a very long time to cook, and barely fit in the oven.  As for your other question, where all the musicians went, well, didn't you know?

[expansion on a joke originally written by Paul Prondzinski, my brother-in-law]:   I went to the computer store to buy a box of tracking cookies, but they said that their mouse already ate them.  I was surfing the web with my mouse late one night, and it fell off the board and drowned.  Now, I'm just a Rest Area on the Information Superhighway.  I did manage to get my computer de-bugged, though:  Took 4 cans, and they were running all over the floor!

Not all of the beautiful men in the world are either married or gay.  Some are drunk, broke, crazy, or out on parole.

I was chasing an enchilada down the street, trying to catch it for lunch.  Turnabout is fair play, so the damn thing turned around and bit me!  So much for having a bite.

Holy Guacamole, Batman!  Keep your distance from me.  Can't you see I'm wearing green?

Holy Moley?  Holy Mole?  Bean there and done that.

Heard from the gutter:  Four basic food groups?  Pretzels, beer, Twinkies, and french fries.  Ho-hos are in the Twinkie group.   I once had a $200 a day Twinkie habit.  Then, I joined Twinkers Anonymous, and they taught me how to shoot heroin.  Now I don't Twink no more.  Saw a lady in the grocery store just yesterday.  She had 3 shopping carts full of Twinkies.  I told her, "You can get help, lady!"  She told me it was for the church picnic.  I told her "That's what I used to tell people!"

Chihuahua cheese is expensive, because Chihuahuas are very tiny and don't give a lot of milk.  Besides, it's really hard to climb under them to milk 'em.

Hire the morally handicapped.  Vote.  (This comes from an editorial, "Saving The Economy".)  Page C3.

Once there was a man who never tasted good food.  Then, one day, he ate a bean burrito.  He liked it so much that he ate 16 of them.  Poor guy farted to death.  Terminal Flatulence.  Someday there will be a burrito warning label.

I admire the tactics of the Black Widow Spider.  Start the web on the outside, instead of the center, like most spiders.  Gradually add pieces, making nothing obvious, until it's too late.  And, used boyfriends are put to good use, too.  Protein.  Reminds me of the joke that we could make lawyers a lot more useful than they are now:  Turn them into pet food.  Jimmy Hoffa brand.  I wonder if the dogs and cats liked him.  They do like human smells.  You say that the police cadaver dog won't eat his food?  Keeps alerting on it?  Sit down, relax, and have a nice bowl of Soylent Green.  A drug cartel in Tijuana owns a hotdog company.  The fire-breathing dragon said to the little boy, "You humans are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup."  And, if you're ever in a plane crash, and people might have to resort to cannibalism, don't let anybody know you're a vegetarian.  Humans eat all herbavores, including horses, but no carnivores (in Western Civ.)  We only eat fellow animals that are vegetarian.  As for our menu-favorite vegetarian stew, there's 3 vegetarians in every batch.  I prefer a good Vegan stew, but the restaurant next door keeps running out of vegans.

Sir John

Sir John Crapper was knighted by Queen Elizabeth for his invention (probably not original) of the indoor toilet.  No more freezing her royal ass off, going outside to the stinky outhouse.  Sir John's name is why a toilet is called a john, and also why it is called the crapper.  Origin of the word "crap".  Crap music?  Crapping paper?  Crappy camper, the guy who dropped his wallet into the outhouse vault.

Hot DOG?  Funny Name For A Sandwich!

All sandwiches are said to go back to a man named Montegue in England, who asked an innkeeper for meat between two slices of bread.  He was the Earl of a place called Sandwich.  The idea caught on.  Eventually, each place had its own unique sandwich, such as the Hamburg Ground Steak sandwich, or hamburger, from Hamburg, Germany. 

Frankfurt, Germany, liked a specially- shaped knackwurst, long and thin so as to fit in a hoagie bun, or submarine roll.  They called this the Frankfurter sausage sandwich.  All okay until World War 2.

Many nations sought to distance themselves from all things German.  The British Royal Family changed their name from Hapfsberg to Windsor, naming themselves after Windsor Castle.  Since the word "kraut" was the derogatory name for a nazi, sauerkraut became known as "liberty cabbage".  What about the frankfurter?  It needs a new name, and a new image.  

New York's kosher delis wanted to associate this veal knackwurst sandwich with baseball, thought to the most "American" (USA) of pastimes.  Plus, Kosher Veal is just about as anti-Hitler as you can get!  But what do we call it?

The ranchers who grew the veal referred to any young (veal) beef cows as "doggies", as in the lyrics "Git-a-long, little doggies".  (Long "o").  So, the American (USA) baseball sandwich became the "hot doggie sausage".  Nathan's Deli, Coney Island, New York, sponsored publicity-stunt contests to see who could eat the most of them.  (They still do.)

The name stuck, and so did the association with baseball.  Nowadays, of course, hot dogs may contain a variety of meats, just like hamburgers are usually made from retired dairy cows instead of Angus sirloin.  The original kosher veal knackwurst hot "doggie" sausages are still sold today at most high-end supermarkets.  Nice doggie! 

[Originally written Nov. 20, 2008, and rejected by the San Diego Reader.]

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