Bite Me!

This is the Humor Section, Chapter 14

Note:  There is also a sequel, called "Chew!", and a third section, by subscription, called "Swallow!", both contained below.

John Kitchin.  [THIS AUTHOR WROTE FOR JOHNNY CARSON. -  Webmaster.]

Inspired by Woody Allen and Mel Brooks, Bite Me! is something that Bart Simpson, the ADD child of the TV series "The Simpsons" says a lot.  It's gnostic, and so a good name for a page on food humor.  It also shows the extreme creativity of the Autistic child (me) who grew up to write it.  Hitler would have killed me for being different.  Jew U, my alma mater, taught me how to learn, how to communicate, and how to make a difference, including using humor.  (See Chapter 2.)

Although copyrighted, automatic copyright permission is hereby granted for nonprofit public service use, such as stand-up comedy in a welfare line or soup kitchen.  Shalom.

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Rotten Apples get awfully Micro-Soft when you squish them, making the whole web stink.  Internet Exploder, the browser from Locked Gates, launches toxic cookies, months old and hard enough to crash into the enemy's British Raincoat (a Mac).  Likewise, Rotten Apple's Green "Granny Smith" Division has its own "Trojan Horse" (those are really big condoms used at the racetrack) called "Godzilla Fire-Pox", which launches viruses such as Apple "Sick-Time", injecting them into your Punk City (PC) Information Superhighway Vehicle, causing it to crash into an exit ramp.

 The comic book character Orgasmo, from the movie of the same name, a Mormon missionary who becomes a porn star, and fights crime with an adult toy weapon.   Osmondo?  I was told that the creators went on to produce a television show called "South Park".

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University degrees:  B.A. is Big Ape; B.S. is, well, you know what BS is; MFF is Master of Flying Farts; M.E. is Matriculated Eccentric; and Ph.D. is the same as BS except Piled Higher and Deeper.  A university with too much staff in the coffee machine risks a staff infection.  To save money, music students will be using the restrooms for instrument practice.  The university administrator mascot is a puppet that the young kids love named Academic Dean.  Dean appears on television in children´s shows encouraging them to stay in school.  The longer you stay in school, the longer the time before you graduate, and begin life on the sidewalk.

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Osama bin Laden has his days numbered.  Long after Michael Moore´s "Fahrenheit 911" showed Osama´s check to help elect George W. Bush President, despite that check being a US Government Top Secret, 8 years under Bush went by and he was not found.  Hell, if he donated $50 million to me and I was president, I´d probably put him up in the Lincoln Bedroom!  But, there´s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Obama.  This sheriff is a nightmare of yours right out of the movie "Blazing Saddles".  Goodbye, Osama.  Meet Obama.

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Heard at the border water fountain (true story):  "You gotta love a country where the water is free, and putting your leg in it doesn´t cause you to get fleas."

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The lady at the San Diego State University graduate information desk asked me if I had a B.A. degree.  I told here that even my dog has one of those!  (true story)

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Now you can get Foster´s Lager on tap (see photo below.)

Tap & Ride is a big hit with riders, because there's nothing better than a cold draft beer on the trolley!

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You gotta balance the ying and the yang, or the bacteria don't grow properly.  Too much ying, and it has to be balanced with some yang powder, to produce the proper pH.  Ying-yangers and other bacteria people study society's most important asset:  Culture.  The study of culltures is fascinating, but you gotta be careful that you don't get arrested for trespassing on somebody's intellectual property.  If it's software, the property might have Locked Gates (Bill's son, I think) protecting it, but you could consider jumping the fence.

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There is no farting permitted in elevators or on buses and trolleys, per the Clean Air Act.  Flatulation balloons will be provided in case of emergency, but please do not re-use the rectal fitting.  Warning:  Gas is flammable.

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The Chinese delicacy Sho-Hung is made from the penises (penii) of large buffalo who are sho-hung.  One of my t-shirts reads "Dim-Sum Wen Batt Ree-lo".  The cat food menu contains the item Phu Yuk, which smells like chicken vomit.  Kitty sez it tastes just like chicken; entrails.  Gives the cat bad breath, making him smell like another Chinese dish, Hu-fardt.  Better than that Japanese stuff, a mix of rice, fish bait, Sewage, and Cheez, called SewageCheez, or SuShi.  Smells like fish, or maybe Holy Comunion.

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A PTC is a Political Toilet Committee, who can talk all potty-mouthed about your opponent, in hopes of flushing them.  You need to get your Sanitizers to expose who and what they really are.  Most of them are not Mister Clean, just more shit with a side order of puke, the usual toilet stuff.  They rant on-and-on with the usual diarrhea of the mouth, but you can usually shut them off with a few well-placed adult diapers.

The stink of politics abounds, and be sure to protect youir ass with one of those butt-herpes protective toilet asscovers, called an "editor".  With that, I'm one of those editor-types, too, but I work in a different restroom.  (A newsroom is a restroom with video monitors instead of toilets.  Stinks just as bad.)

You're in the john marked "Republicans", and I work at the john named "kitchen".  Here, we collect specimens used to make Republicans sick at their own convention.  Bite me, swallow, I don't have hepatitis, and have a nice day.   You should have paid for union cooks and waiters, but you rich fat Republicans don't want to pay for that.

So, Willie will cook your dogburger and add his special secret ingredients to your salad.  Willie is 42, out on parole for murder, and is dating your 14-year-old.  He met her while waiting tables at your convention.  Did he really just get her preggo?  You're Pro-Life?  Name it Bubba.

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I love the out doors, but only when I'm trying to get out.  When I'm trying to get in, the out doors don't help at all.

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I wear a Visa card around my neck, just like Christians wear a cross.  It says "Mormon Crucifix" (true story!)  It celebrates the Blessed Trinity:  Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

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The Holy Spirit refers to when God is present, but invisible.  Like when instead of paper, God shows His presence electronically.

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My Windows 7 download didn't go all the way, because a cockroach got stuck in the refrigerator motor, shorting it out.  I have most of it, and call the program Windows 6 1/2.

The Daily eGlob reports that Obama was born an ape, and given a species-change operation by a zoo pediatrician.  Protect the Reich!  Sign up for stupidity and hate!

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I heard that LDS is planning to someday become a religion.  They're already a religion?  Sure, so is Macy's to some people.

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We humans eat all animals that don't eat meat, and several that do.  Racing season is a culinary event, because all countries in the world, outside of the United States, relish the gourmet flavor of horsemeat.  here at the Del Mar Thoroughbred Packing Company, we know that the losers are just as important as the winners.  That's because Thoroughbred is the most expensive meat in the world.  That's real gourmet meat running down the track, because horses aren't made out of carrots!

And, when you order lunchmeat, consider making Thoroughbred beaf your selection of choice.  A club sandwich is great, with lettuce, tomato, onion, and sliced avocado and turkey.  But a Del Mar Thoroughbred Club Sandwich pays tribute to a classic pastime!  Hurry!  The price of Thoroughbred beaf is going up!  Del Mar and other racetracks have installed new running surfaces that minimize dead horses, which is hurting the meat export business.

Sorry, all meat must be exported, and not consumed domestically, in accordance with the laws of the Mormon States of America, the neo-nazi group that runs the Fascist Racetrack Council.  The Del Mar Thoroughbred Club. 

Most popular club sandwich in Paris.  And, if you were looking for those racetrack guys, their website is at www.DelMarRacing.com.  Tell them their new track is hurting our meat packing business.

Del Mar Thoroughbred Packing Company:  Fine Gourmet Horsemeat Enjoyed Worldwide (except in the USA)           Try a Del Mar Thoroughbred Club Sandwich Today!

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That's the last time I ever bet on a horse that moos or barks.  My hat contest category was "Best Hat Out of a Trash Dumpster".  Where the surf meets the turf, and the herds meet the turds.  Turf club?  Never eat a turf club.  Track dirt is unsanitary.  Turkey maybe, but not turf.  Ray Krok, founder of McDonald's Restaurants, had a horse named Big Mac.  Is the horse named after the sandwich, or the sandwich named after the horse, and is there any Big Mac in a Big Mac?   I came to the racetrack to see the horses, and all I see is hot babes.  Not that I'm complaining, but if I want to see hot babes, I usually go to a bar or the beach, not a racetrack.  Hey, I'm all out of credit; do you rich dudes accept cash?

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The "Escondido Beavers" is a great name for a team!  Escondido means "secret" and beavers are very secretive, hanging out in their dam lodgings.  And, those other kind of beavers stay secret and hidden, too, but not at Black's Beach.  I do tell a joke about the beaver with dentures who asks Medicare for a chainsaw.

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A woman wore a ID tag that said "San Diego Wild Animal Park", so I asked her if she was a bartender there.  I love to hang out in bars where the people act like wild animals.  She said, "It's a zoo."  I assured her that most singles bars are.  Wild Animal Park is a great name for a bar, but Escondido is too far to travel.  Plenty of bars that are zoos closer than that.  Part of the mating repertoire of the giant ape-human.  The best name for a bar, of course, is the Coronado Fairy Landing, in Gay Hillcrest.

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Just because they got rid of beach alcohol, tried unsuccessfully to close the nude beach, and are now trying to ban Floatopia, that's no good reason to use a Fat Mormon for a flotation device!  Originally Censored Out.

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Plastic cows are where we get artificial dairy products, like Kreem:  Concrete powder with plastic bits, used to make Cheez.  Reale brand Cheez comes in polystyrene, nylon, or new limestone-polyvinyl.  It won't melt on an artificial pizza, but makes great catbox filler.  Often appears on package ingredients of a product as "cheeselike substance" or "caseinate" (gopher droppings).  They add real sweat from cows to make the flavor realistic.  Real Cheese comes from a dairy ranch.  Chihuaha cheese comes from a dairy kennel.  Makes you feel like a puppy again.

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Visiting Restaurant Row in Hillcrest, San Diego's gay and fine fashions district, the tendency is to chow down, even if you're already El Fatso.  All that overeating can kill you, and if you died you'd become a Fatter Gay Saint.

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I love my wife, and the rest of my wives are great, too.  You think you got problems affording a diamond engagement ring?  Try buying seven!  I ended up having to go into the jewelry business on the side, and that required taking some God out of my investment in ScamWay.  I don't like to do that, because when I find them a new investment sucker, they give me some more God in the form of a big, fat check.  I truly love God, whether paper, plastic, or mini-God in coins.  Worship with me, and recite the Wall Street Journal Prayer.  God is good, and we can never own enough of Him.  We do try.  Most churches have a pastor, but our church has a Comptroller.  He got his degree in Divinity Accounting.  When you die, and God brings you in for a Final Audit, may you be rich in his graces.  Live for your Family Values, because you may be able to cash them in for more than you think.  God is everywhere, and sometimes He even opens a new branch with ATM machines.  That allows you to receive God whenever and wherever you need Him.

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Stop listening to all those witnesses who saw it happen!  We'll tell you the truth.  We're on TV.  We must be right!  You people need to believe what we tell you.  Stop thinking!  That's dangerous!  Just listen to what we tell you, and believe.  It has to be the truth, because we are on TV!

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The USC Trojans are that football team they named the condoms after, right?

The Border Patrol Agent asked, "Are you bringing anything back with you from Mexico?"  The citizen replied, "A bad case of diarrhea, now it's in my pants."  The Agent said, "Anything you bring back has to be inspected.  Show it to the officer at the Secondary Inspection desk."

I asked for God's Extended Hands, but He said no, and all I got was God's Extended Finger.  People all worn out on Jesus are God's Expended Fans.

Heard at the retirement home:  Hippies are those people who shoot all that marijuana into their veins, and smoke acid, aren't they?

Banks are for people with so much money that it doesn't even fit in their wallet!  I always thought that luxury accomodations are when your shopping cart has a car battery that runs a TV and DVD player.

Roachclips are for when you keep a pet roach and don't want it to get loose and eat all your Oreo cookies.  I seen more than one roach hidden on computer cookies, too.  Sort of like a Trojan rat.  The kid down the block calls Africanized hives, "soul bees".  People eat pretzels with beer because you can tell how much beer's in your belly by counting how long it takes before the pretzels splash.  Quicksplash, and you be gittin' full.  Walk home and unclip your roach so he can chase roach-babes.  Have him use a condomimium (tiny "mini" condom) 'cause nobody wants to have to buy shoes for 600 kids that each have 6 legs and feet.  Well, maybe devout Catholics.  I don't eat karaoke because rodents aren't kosher.

For God's help when live becomes a pain in the ass, try the Church of the Holy Hemhorroid Treatment.

Somebody mentioned "Angels of the Throne".  My throne got infested with angels once, but the exterminators got them out.  Sit down on that damn thing, and you could get your ass bit by an angel.  There's a roll of toilet paper next to the throne, in case your butt is bleeding from a bite.

Al Capone, California, is the city near San Diego where that famous gangster took over years ago, and its been run by the Mob ever since.  Ask the Al Capone Chamber of Commerce about visiting the famous Donkey Stables that connect to the Sunday trolley service.  The City of Al Capone recently tore up its downtown park, where many people liked to relax on the lush lawn, in order to replace it with nice, soft, eco-friendly concrete.

The psychiatrist told me that if I keep hanging out with UFO aliens and blogging about it, I could end up the ultimate disgrace:  A guest on Oprah! 

In Mexico, the Red Light District is called Pueblo del Muchachos, or Boys Town, which makes me wonder how many people wander into the famous Omaha, Nebraska orphanage that has the same name, looking for a little action with a hooker.  General Hooker of the US Cavalry recruited women to serve as military prostitutes, and they were referred to as "Hooker's women", or, simply, Hookers.

Now, when you buy a 27,000 pound box of Medical Marijuana, you get a half pound of cocaine, two ounces of heroin, 1500 hits of crystal meth, an ounce of hash, and a half a box of holy communion.  Watch out for that communion stuff, 'cause it's way more addictive than those other drugs.  Bring your marijuana ID card down here, to the Compassionate Caring Holistic Friendly and Kind Gang Wars Dope Dealer and Pimp Mart.  Open 'till 6 AM.  Big Jimmy The Snake is back out of prison, 'cause they couldn't prove he killed any of them cops, and he'll fix you up right away!  You'll be shooting up fresh...uh...marijuana, today!

If marketing guys keep running the world, even dog shit is going to come in assorted flavors and colors.

In the military, General Confusion is in charge of planning, and then General Chaos takes over during missions, resulting in cleanup by General Turmoil.  General Mills retired to start a breakfast cereal business, so he's not around anymore, but General Motors still operates the motor pool.  Motors like a good bath in the pool on a hot day, followed by cocktails with Captain Jack and lunch with Colonel Sanders.  They're talking to Private Room about getting a date to meet General Hooker, but most of them will only end up with Corporal Punishment.  They caught Sgt. Pepper playing with Private Parts, causing Major Trouble to investigate General Anarchy.  Nothing will happen, because General Tire is too busy getting lit up with General Electric.  They're waiting for Private Lines, while enjoying the company of Captain Morgan.  General Foods prepared some snacks.  Only in a Midshipman's Night's Dream.

Ross Perot got out of the mental hospital this week, still insisting that he can become President.  He says that he can confuse people with graphs and charts, and talk about senseless jibberish, and people are bound to elect him.  He says that's because what people really want is a strong leader that will spank them into submission.  He showed everyone his leather teddy and his collection of handcuffs.  He also gave everyone a look at his collection of ten thousand pairs of womens' shoes, each one in an individual plastic bag, to preserve the original aromas.

Can't afford the high cost of buying a dairy farm?  Consider a Chihuahua Cheese Kennel, instead.

Recruitment Radio Ad:  Are you brain-dead?  Is your IQ about the same as your shoe size, maybe 8 or 10?  There's a living for you as a County and Western Music singer!  Nowadays, AM Radio and Country Music are no longer used merely to torture people into confessing their guilt.  They're used to brainwash, encourage new horizons in stupidity, and even to torture intelligent people until they vomit.  We're having trouble coming up with music talents stupid enough to participate.  We'll pay you millions of dollars to swallow your pride, read books on how to be less intelligent than a barn hog, and belt out a tune about an achy breaky heart.  And, don't worry about some Mexican coming up here and taking your job, either.  Most Mexicans are way too intelligent to qualify.  If you show aptitude to go from dumb to dumber, we'll help train you!  The most-stupid of you can go on to a career in AM Radio as a talk-show host or commentator!  So, don't commit suicide just because you're too stupid to learn how to read and write.  Millions of people just like you listen to AM Radio and Country Music every day.  Join us, and you'll make enough money that you have people to read and write stuff for you, among them, an agent and a publicist.  There's hope!  See our local newspaper ad in the Employment Section, under "Help Wanted:  Stupid."  Have someone who can read read it to you.  You'll like your new career in Country Music and AM Radio!

Rock and Roll has something to do with stale bakery, doesn't it?  That's when your rolls are as hard as rocks?  What it really has to do with is rocking and rolling around in bed, of course, and getting your rocks off when you roll.  Dancing horizontally.  Has to do with hunting the 2-legged deer (dear).  Get stung badly enough and you start calling your partner "honey".  Just beehave and you'll be overpopulating like a Baby Factory.  Name the fat one Bubba and the stupid one Lishus.  Mommy gonna get you a big, fat, healthy child support payment, precious!  My lawyer is depending upon winning my case so he can pay his dope dealer, his prostitutes, and his hit-men.  Good lawyers know just how big a tip to pay the judge.

I invested $8 in the Kielbasaland Polish Lottery, and eventually learned that I won.  $30 million sounds like a lot, but it's paid out $1 a year for 30 million years.  It'll take me 8 years just to get my ticket price back!  And, they sent me a bill for 0.1% Lottery Earnings Taxes, so I owe them $30,000.  They wanna reposess my backpack and my blanket, because I don't own anything else.

Crossing the Mexican Border into the US, when you get to the end of the Border Human Cattle Maze, and reach the pinch-chute, you gotta hope that when them Border Human Cattle Wranglers inspect your butt for its brand that they just give you a shot of Bovine Growth Hormone, and not chop you up into Wendy's Doubles.  That's what happens at the border when you go In and Out.  The wranglers could really use some of those cattle prods, too...I think they call 'em tasers.  Well, the long wait helps me chew my cud, but there's no milkin' me, fellas, 'cause I'a bull!  I don't care if your laundry does come out better when you add bull semen.  My little fishies belong to me!  I call the one with the big head "Jack", and I'm here Outside The Box (my bio, http://nz9f.com/r), waiting on the sidewalk.  Double Whammy Burger with Chihuaha Cheese?  I love the smell of dog milk on a cowburger.  As for the extra added protein ingredients, well, that's why they call this one restaurant "Joe's Baptist Church and Rib Shack".  Multi-purpose, like the bar-and-laundromat businesses in Milwaukee.  [Jack in the Box and In and Out are West Coast fast-food hamburger places.  Wendy's operates out of Chicago.  Double Whammy Burger comes from the advertising of Suburpia Submarine Sandwich Shoppes, an icon of the Hippie 1960's in Milwakee, Wisconsin.  A similar ad campaign was run by Wendy's, years later.]

The wrapped sandwich business at convenience stores has a brand of microwave cheeseburger called "Big AZ".  Eat a bunch, and you'll have a Big AZ.

Think of diet and exercise as a way to cleanup toxic waist.

In the Navy, SOS stands for Save Our Ship, a distress call.  It also stands for chipped beef on toast, or Shit-On-a-Shingle.  In San Diego, SOS is Shit-On-a-Sidewalk.  I expect new "NO SHITTING" signs to go up any day now.

The homeless on the street often have signs, begging for money.  Usually they read something like:  "Homeless.  Need help."  One man's sign said, "Why lie?  Need beer."  The best one I saw said, "Recovering Bible and Jesus Addict.  Overcoming Addiction to Holy Communion."  True story.  Jokingly, I told him to go find Jesus.  "Why, is he lost?", was his reply.

Yesterday: A lady tried to give me a shirt from Nordie's (Nordstrom's), but I insisted that I'm homeless, and it'd ruin my image.  (True story.) 

Asleep! (Awake! from Jehovah's Witnesses)

Fill your head with so much bullshit that it sprouts an AM radio antenna!  Why be only half-stupid, when you can excel.  And, you can send in $50,000 cash to get your very own ticket to heaven, personally signed by God!  Act now, and we'll send you a free pint of Emu Oil!  You never know when your emu might start to squeak, and a squeaky emu needs to be oiled with Emu Oil!

"Cervezayuno" is cerveza, beer, for daysayuno, breakfast.  In Mexico, Corona has trademark rights to the words "Breakfast of Champions", much like Wheaties does in the US.  Wheaties with Corona?  Only in a bad dream.  How about a brand of condoms called Pubic Safety?  And, don't you dare say "Bite Me!" to one of them cucatrollas (trolley cockroaches).  Some of them are mean enough to eat one of my cats!

Today's word:  Condomaxium.  These are condoms used on race horses.  Much larger than a Condominium, a little condom the doctor uses on his finger.  Those are also used to keep a pet beaver from getting BIV, Beaver Immunodeficiency Virus.  They come in 3 flavors, including pine, maple and oak.  They use condoms because beavers give a dam.  Always wondered what teeth used to cut down trees could do to somebody's leg.  Could a beaver with dentures get Medicare to pay for a chainsaw?

Bite Me!  I'm an Apple, the Forbidden Fruit!  (Thanks to Lettrman and DeGeneres for pioneering this concept.  Apple Computer has been suing or threatening to sue producers of products beginning with the small letter "i", due to its use of the letter in its products the iPod and iPhone.)

New From Apple:

iShadow has a makeup mirror and curling iron; iChart has a list of optometrists to use after squinting into it for days; iCarumba has a blender for chopping up salsa; iCandy is a fake one that looks real so you can appear to be high-class.  iShitted has a compartment for spare underwear and wipes.  iGiveup lists the locations of computer stores, so you can trade it in 2 weeks later when it becomes obsolete.  iLash has a masochistic whip.  iWash is the world's prettiest green computer, featuring old technology that'll make you feel more ancient than Granny Smith.  iGotFruitflies is from Rotten Apple Division.  iHock is when you pawn it, and iHack is when a cab driver uses one on the freeway.  iScream comes frozen in 42 flavors.  Make mine Apple.  iFarted has a room air-freshener, while the iB-incontinent has an attachment for, like, storing 2 pees in an iPod.  Bottles sold seperately.  iBong has a waterpipe to make your business meetings green. 

Move over, Macintosh!  I call any new green computer from Apple a Granny Smith, especially one that's just not ripe enough yet.

Talked to a guy who just returned from Operation Desert Lizard.  Has something to do with car insurance.  He was on his way to go bowling with a cave man.  Some bowling alley on Hot Fudge Carmel Mountain Pecan Drive.  I stay out of bowling alleys ever since they became drop-off places for unwanted auto workers.  The cave guy's teaching him futuristic World War 4 military tactics.  Something to do with throwing rocks at the enemy.  Sounds low-tech to me.

New State Prison courses include gunsmithing, locksmithing, burglar alarm systems, cyber-engineering, and the most recent course, dope-dealing.  Get a minor in meth-lab management, gang psychology, grenade launcher repair, or burglary.  The CIA  hires graduates daily.

Today's thought:  Internship is the process by which a graduate student learns that everything they were ever taught was a lie.  Yesterday:  I'm from Milwaukee, so my idea of a fine 7-course meal is a hotdog and a sixpack.  Aren't they going to re-name the city "Dahmerville" after Jeff Dahmer, most famous citizen in history?  Probably better than Liberace City or Tom Snyder Gardens. 

SPINTERNS are Spin-Doctor interns, learning to lie really well, so that they can work for the world-wide psychiatric hospital we call the news media.

   You, too, can get High on Jesus with the new "Hooked on Jesus" kit!  Each kit contains a church music CD, inspirational DVD's, prayer books, song books, a sermon planner, and 5 boxes of crackers for the eucharist.  Act now, and you get a 4-ounce bottle of "holy oil", made from the pituitary glands of aborted fetuses down at the convent!  Put holy oil on your sheep, and they'll believe anything you say!  You'll have a big herd of whacked-out humans in no time!  Works even better than the crackers!  The first 500 orders get a free box of Holy Rosaries! 

Brainwashing made simple.  Another fine idea from "Hooked On Jesus", the people who brought you "Whack-A-Mole", for helping keep poor people pounded properly into the ground.  Did he say "The Body of Christ"?  I thought I heard him say, "Bite Me!"  (My clergy has allowed this one, due to my life history.)

(rework of a previous idea):  The Catholic Church conducted an Exorcism to remove a terrible evil spirit from a young boy.  A priest had gotten stuck.  (Meets TV censorship rules)

Jack and Jill went up the hill, and Jill had a hard time getting Jack off, but he finally came with her, so in the end, Jill came down the hill pregnant, but even worse, Mary had a little lamb, and that's what happens when you fool around with sheep!

The secret of making great chipotle is that you have to take the wings off before you grind them up.  Otherwise, the flavor of the insect's juices get overcome by that awful wing-taste.  Long a staple food of the native South American cultures, real chipotle is a gourmet treat, and easy to catch, too!  Set your traps right in the spaghetti trees, when the pasta is just starting to get ripe.  Gourmet chipotle!  Now that's good eating!

Introducing America's answer to the flash-drive:  Called the flush-drive it's the perfect gift for somebody you don't like.  Plug in this disguised item, and it permanently deletes files at random, all over your computer's hard-drive!  Another fine product from Go Fish!, computer products that people like to flush down the toilet.  And, the flush-drive is non-toxic to aquatic plants and animals, but be careful not to accidentally ingest it while surfing in the Pacific Toilet.

Government is like sausage:  Nobody wants to know what goes into it, plus you gotta grind up a lot of bull.  

Plastic cows give artificial milk, like powdered coffee creamer, don't they?  I always wanted to milk a soybean for soy milk.  Where's the tits on them soybeans?  If they give soy milk, they gotta have tits someplace.

The Border Patrol asked Donald Duck where he was born.  He replied, "I wasn't born, I was hatched!  I'm a duck!"  He's suing for interspecies discrimination.

Hostess Twinkies became 80 years old recently, having been invented at the beginning of the other Great Depression.  The thought of an 80-year-old Twinkie frightens me.  Even back when I had a $200-a-day Twinkie habit, I never once ate one that was over 6 months old, or had any plants growing out of the wrapper.  As addictive as they are, you can still give them to children?  That's like crack at a birthday party!  These kids are gonna come in 3 sizes:  Fat, extra-wide, and Shamu.

(Barry Bonds joke)  Governor Schwarzenegger is the only California Governor that gets to have an asterisk (*) after his name.  Do steroids make people bigger and stupider?  Apes chew 'em like candy.

If her Fairy Godmother was actually her Fairy Godfather in drag, would you tell Cinderella that?  If the 3 Little Pigs went to the Police Academy Acting School together, could one call himself Babe, another Porky Pig, and the third one Arnold?  Could Arnold's stint on "Green Acres" lead to a role as bodybuilder, actor, and later, Governor?  (Takes lots of makeup.)  Could acting eventually lead to a role as an adult movie stunt-double, Robo-Cock?  Buns of Steel with a very large hotdog.  Robo-Pig can oink, fuck, and give political speeches, all in 3 languages.  I knew when Farmer Ziffle got Arnold glasses so he could read better that someday he'd go somewhere.  Into a sandwich, I thought.  I know:  I'm racially prejudiced against menu items.  Ask a polar bear what he thinks about humans.

If you're a really good roofer, up on the roof, close to God, you might someday make it onto the list of the finest roofers in the world:  Shingler's List.  I plan to install a "Fine Art" page in Section C.  Fine art is when you have to pay a fine because the government doesn't like your art

Real artery-clog Cream for your coffee.  Just like pouring hot wax down the sink of your internal plumbing.  Heart disease medicine sold seperately.

If you had to become a vegetable (because you were diagnosed with Alzheimer's), which vegetable would you become, and why?  Peas, corn and carrots are sweet, but the sweetest vegetable is the giant cucumber, the watermelon!  Seeded or seedless?  We need to start calling seedless fruits and vegetables "castrated".  Fruits and flower's are some plant's private parts!  (They lure you with their nude private parts and say Bite Me!)

What do you call a port-a-potty company?  One's called European (you're-a-peein') and another is called Uranus (your anus).  When done using Uranus, European?  I'm still trying to get my 99 cent umbrella open, to avoid getting wet from the Tinkle Down Theory of Reagan Voodoo Economics.  In San Diego, it rains every day.

The ambulance company called to City Hall was to remove a dead body.  Taking way too long, the dispatcher was worried.  After the pickup, the ambulance workers explained that the stiff was in a group of Patronage workers, and they couldn't tell who was dead and who was asleep until the end of the shift.  Anybody at City Hall who didn't wake up to go home must be the dead guy.

Jumped into a San Diego taxi to go from Downtown to the Airport.  The driver said:  "My name is Akmed.  I take you.  Point on map."  I introduced myself, and asked if he took credit cards.  He replied, "My name is Akmed.  I take you.  Point on map."  Okay, now we're making progress:  No English!  So, I tried a few other languages, aeropuerto?  Par avon?  He responded:  "LAX?  John Wayne Orange County?  Montgomery Field?"  These are all distant locations, not the 1-mile-away San Diego Downtown Airport.  So, I said, "Okay, Akmed, give me the map."  Then I said, "Akmed, this is a map of Orange County!"  He said, "Yes."  "Akmed, I want to go to San Diego Airport, Lindbergh Field, right over there, see it?"  He said no, and point on map.  So, I got out a map of San Diego, and pointed to Lindbergh Field.  He shook his head and said, "Not far enough.  Get out of my cab."  True story, and caused me to become a San Diego cabbie myself.

Seen on a t-shirt in the border crossing line:  "Teachers Pet.  So does everybody else."  Another thought:  A cult is a group that worships the word of God instead of God. 

I was addicted to reading the bible 24 hours a day, so I joined a group that helps Bible Cult victims, Bibles Anonymous.  They helped me cure my addition to bibles, religion, and Holy Communion with their 3 1/2 step program that helps channel your energies into things that are less addictive than religion, such as drinking alcohol and watching porno flicks.  I'm really glad and relieved that I broke my addiction to Holy Communion.  It's great to have my life back again!  (Marx said that religion is the opiate of the people.)

I knew a Cereal Killer, that killed off a whole box of Wheaties, half a box of corn flakes, and ran us out of milk.

Jack in the Box?  The old logo, Jack in the B-Fish is undoubtedly a church pretending to be a fast-food place, right?

When you get into the line to cross the border, with all the cattle-maze gates and fences, you gotta hope that when you get to the end of the line, where the ranchers (Border Agents) are, that they're just gonna shoot you up with some Bovine Growth Hormone, and not chop you up into Whopper Juniors!  Makes me feel like a cow so much that I wanna MOO.  Then, I wanna tear up my neighbor's lawn with my teeth, just like a cow does, followed by pooping all over the yard.  A cow is a shit machine that gives milk.  And a cow shits right on its own food, the grass it eats.  Yummy.  Got Shit?

The Catholic Church recently performed an exorcism of an evil spirit inside a young boy.  The evil spirit had gotten stuck, and required vaseline before the priest's penis could be removed.  Evil spirits get stuck in young boys all the time, and that's why we have the Sacrament of Exorcism.

 I visited Sea World the other day, and noticed that one of the whales had a "bumper sticker" on its tail.  It read "Save The Humans". 

To get married, visit Our Lady of Perpetual Poverty Catholic Church, and get one of Father Ben's $75 one-hour marriages.  After an hour, the marriage is annulled, and you get a discount on the 3-day Doctorate Degree program at Catholic University.  Pay $6,000 tuition, get 3 days of on-line instruction, and you can print out your Ph.D.!   I got mine in Carpet Cleaning.  Magna Cum Lousy costs extra.

A little boy is a niñito, a little tree is an arbolito, and a tiny mosque is a mosquito.

Your new cell-mate is named Bubba.  Bubba needed a new bed-partner because his old one got stuck on his penis, and didn't survive the surgery.  We paired you with Bubba because the jail nurse said your asshole is an "Extra Wide", so we thought you might do just fine.  We asked him to go easy on you.    He's in jail for trying to have sex with a traffic light.

When you start to get old, your hearing is the second thing to go.  Unfortunately, nobody makes Viagra for ears. 

The officer at US Customs asked today what I was bringing back from Mexico.  "Diarrhea", was my reply, "why, is that illegal?"

I remember once having an accident with a tree, and when the police got there, I complained that the tree was going over 70 miles an hour when it hit me.  The cop said that they don't issue speeding tickets to trees.  That's unfair!  I pay taxes!  Trees don't!

Has someone stepped on your toe?  Got a neighbor you don't like?  We here at the law firm of Gouge, Fleece, Finagle, and Swindle can help you sue them for hundreds of millions of dollars!  Even though they did nothing wrong, just defending the lawsuit, they'll lose everything:  Their home, their car, their marriage, and even their sanity!  Our Hollywood actors and actresses, testifying as witnesses, are guaranteed to be believed by the jury.  If we lose your case, we'll send Guido and The Boys over to blow them away, free of charge!  Why hire ordinary lawyers, when you can hire a law firm of professional gangsters?  We're in the Yellow Pages under "Sharks".

Cockfighting is a very brutal sport.  If you want to win at cockfighting, you need a really big cock, and a really mean one, too.  And,  cockfighting is even worse when chickens do it.  I'd try it, but I'm afraid of getting bruised.  (this is a rework of a previous joke).

I like playing cards with people, but sometimes they're too busy.  Then, I just play with myself.  At card games, we serve Cheez Whiz, a mixture of real cheese and real whiz.  Helps hold the cards down on the table when there's a strong wind coming in the window.  Excuse me, I gotta go take a whiz.

Humanure is hupoo, hoopoo, or a sidewalk slider.  Now that we got doggie bags for the doggie doo, we need people bags, too, wherever the homeless hang out.

I like to smoke my own ham for Easter.  I tried smoking fish once, but they're really wet, hard to light, and hard to roll, too.

The Infernal Residue Service, IRS, collects any leftover residue from that infernal "root of all evil" money you had.  Pay up or the devil will spank you.  Satan in a leather teddy.  It's his day off from working with the Mall Police.  (I once said that hell is a shopping mall, and you're there for eternity and don't have any money.  Satan is the Chief of Mall Police.)

McDonald's Big Yak is made with genuine yak meat.  Get one with a coffa da cuppee and an order of French flies in the Value Deal Very Happy Meal.  I'm still waiting for the delivery of the Ronald McDonald McDildo I ordered.

7.2 on the Earthquake Scale ain't nothing.  I once farted 8.6.  Shook the whole neighborhood.

After I booted up my computer, I had to clean my footprints off the screen.  I used to have a telephone answering machine with 8 radio tubes in it.  Great for keeping your coffee warm, plus you could heat up hotdogs on the power supply.  I eventually spilled coffee into it, shorting it out, and electrocuting an ant colony that moved in to take advantage of the spilled cream and sugar, and hot dog bun crumbs.  Remember the basic rule of salad bars:  Never eat anything that's still moving.  We humans only eat dead stuff.

The form asked if I speak any foreign languages.  I wrote "English", so they told me that's not a foreign language.  This must be England, then?  I thought England was a foreign country, and that would make English a foreign language.  Our native tongue here is Apache, or perhaps Cherokee.

Sodom and Gomorrah are hotels in North Park, aren't they?  Staying at the Hotel Gomorrah?  They've got X-rated movies, hot and cold running nymphomaniacs, and golden showers, too!  Condoms and Levitra are provided, and the waiters and waitresses do room service in the nude.

Vegetarian dog food is for dogs with a serious religious committment.  Is your dog a Presbyterian?  My dog has started to hang out with Hare Krishna types, so I'm worried that he might not be saved by Jesus.

I went into Party City looking for some party supplies, because I heard they had a good selection.  On my list:  One or two bongs, a couple bottles of Jack Daniels, several cases of beer, at least a hundred condoms for a piñata, a handful of vibrators, a coke mirror, spare razor blades, small hash-pipe, a few ounces of weed, a few good porno flicks, some snacks, tarot cards, and a few cigars for the women.  Needless to say, the only thing they had was snacks!  They should be called Children's Party City, because they don't sell anything for "regular" parties.  I never party with children, because that's a good way to get arrested.  Oh, I almost forgot to get some anti-Herpes spray.  Can't have a party without that!  I always wanted to serve altar breads (holy communion wafers) as a snack, with some ham and cheese on each one.  Memory chips.

The word isn't "Bean-Vomititos", "How did you like your lunch?", it's "Bien-Venidos", "We welcome your money, and you're okay too, as long as you spend it fast and go home, so we don't have to put up with another stupid gringo, okay?"  Bien-Venidos means "Good seeing your money.  Now go home."  I learn more about other cultures every day.  I just learned that Botany is the study of Bots.  And, I think Trigonometry is the study of Trigo, wheat, right?  Maybe the study of Whale Fat is Blubberology.  Or is that Liposuction?

Yore senny-tors and representa-tiz done come up with a goode skeeme to get relected:  Beer Stamps.  We's tryin to git yer vote, so we wanna bribe ya.  $65 a week in Beer Stamps fer a family of 4, good at taverns, liquor stores, and even grocery stores.  Restaurants, too.  Ask fer yer U.S.D.A. (United States Dept. of Alcohol) Beer Stamps.  And, remember to help us to get re-elected.

When the toilets are out of order in Mexico, they put out a yellow sign that says "Piso Mojado", piss on the floor.  It isn't clear whether that's a warning about the piss that is already on the floor, or an instruction on what to do.  Pretty clear that somebody already pisso all over the mojado.  (Piso means floor, and mojado means wet.)

Hobblow Espagññyolle, perro eskreebow mooey mahlow.  (Eye speeeke Spannich, butt rite verri badd.)  Try writing that on MS-Word to see how many squiggly lines it draws.  I usually get "thunderstorm warnings".  They need a setting that makes the program "extra stupid" for doing art and poetry where words are intentionally misspelled.

I was looking for a can of squirrel meat, for a recipe, and the supermarket didn't have any.  The recipe said I could substitute woodchuck or prairie dog, or even mole.  So, I found a can of mole, with a picture on the label of a mole's butt portion covered with brown sauce.

Cock fighting is gruesome, and even worse when chickens do it.  I'd try it sometime, but I'm afraid of getting bruised.

The Tijuana Tap Water Commission is abbreviated CESPT, or Cesspit.  Appropriate?  They also get rid of sewage the old-fashioned way:  Dump it into the Pacific Sewer (formerly called an ocean).  People swim in that toilet!  Good way to get hoof-and-mouth disease, or have a turd (sidewalk slider) fly into your open mouth during a big wave.

Here at Smith-Barney, we make money the old-fashioned way:  We steal it!  Just a joke; they're okay, but I'm joking about Bernie Madoff, who "Made Off" with lots of cash.  Hey, the Brooklyn Bridge is still for sale.  Big Joe has the title deed in his safe deposit box.  He bought it from that circus guy, P.T. Barnum.  It's a steal, literally.

The 3 worst things that can happen to a man are that he can get a divorce, or get his balls cut off, like they do to little kitty-cats, or he can run out of beer.  One of those 3 things can be easily reversed.

The "Beatnik" Generation resulted in the "Now" Generation, followed by the "Hip" Generation, then the "New" Generation, the "Us" Generation, the "Me" Generation, the "Self" Generation, and now the "Fuck You" Generation.  What's next, the "Shoot To Kill" Generation?  Did he say friendly or fiendly?

I don't go to Panda Express because it's bad luck to eat an Endangered Species.

Some of the cable Public Access channels allow postings of X-rated home movies.  Pubic Access?

Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Cash for any vehicle!  Car doesn't run?  We pay cash!  Totalled in an accident?  We pay cash!  No longer need it?  We pay cash!  Found it in your driveway?  We pay cash!  Not even your car?  We pay cash!  Stole it last weekend?  We pay cash!  2 miles south of the Otay Mesa border crossing.  Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Brand-new cars from just $600!  That's not the downpayment, that's the total price!  All vehicles subject to prior theft, and come with a realistic-looking Mexican title.  Honest Bob's Used Cars.  Drive a new car today, without all the hassle of having to pay for one!

Walking around Downtown San Diego, you gotta watch out for hupoo (long "u", like hoo-poo), human poop, also known as "sidewalk sliders", because it's slippery when fresh, and you can lose your balance.  Then you become a "chocolate" covered tourist.  Downtown toilets are an endangered feces...or, species.  No, doggie didn't do the doo.  It's hupoo.  Stop farting around and watch your step!

Radiocarbon Dating is when a 60-year old archaeology professor has a hot encounter with a 20-year-old grad student in the middle of a prehistoric dig.  Always good grades.  Not the same as Speed Dating, when both people get high on amphetamines, first, hoping to someday drop a litter of dope-addicted kids.  Cyber-dating is when computers get attracted to each other.  They usually complain about humans getting in their way.

Casinos make poker chips, snack food companies make potato chips, cows make cow chips, and little cockroaches make micro-chips.

To save money, San Diego's MTS (Metropolitan Transit System) will take a tip from the other MTS (Mexican Transit System).  From now on, to save on fuel, only donkey carts will be used, instead of buses.  The El Cajon Transit Center will be re-named the El Cajon Donkey Stables, and please remember that, while on board there is no eating, drinking, smoking, or farting.  And, in consideration of other passengers, please do not urinate on the seats.  Also, stay clear of the back end of the donkeys.

One cop stopped me because my car was leaking fluids.  I assured him that the vehicle was merely marking its territory.

In Spain, your car has 4 gomas, or tires.  In Mexico, they're called llantas.  Ask for a goma for your car, while in Mexico, and people ask if you're trying to keep your car from having little baby cars.  In Mexico, gomas are rubber condoms.  Prevents loose tailpipe disease?

Automotive muffler bearings are essential to make sure your muffler rotates properly under the car.  They're made by the same company that manufactures dehydrated water.

Seen on a t-shirt:  A picture of George W. Bush, with the caption, "W is for Whacko."

It's time we stopped killing innocent Argyles, and making them into Argyle socks, sweaters, and underwear.  What's next, alligators?

The Social Worker asked the little boy, "Are there any siblings in your family?"  "No," replied the boy, "all of us believe in God."

Any day now the Union of Conservative Medflies is going to launch a protest that the Border Patrol and Agriculture Depts. are interfering with their reproductive rights.  Spokespersons for the Flies are a group of insect-eating birds, thought to have an ulterior motive.  None of the Medflies could be reached for comment, although one of them is said to have objected to their nursery being referred to as a bunch of maggots.  The Flies have routinely attempted to destroy sources of human foods, in an attempt to discourage the current rampant over-reproduction of that species.  The Flies' slogan is, "Eat a Plant, Starve a Human!"  The Flies are currently working on a spray that kills human pests on contact.  It should become available shortly.

A "Condominium" (condom-mini-um) is a tiny little condom the doctor puts on his finger before shoving it up your ass.

Adult song, to the tune of "Rubber Duckie" (Sesame Street):  Rubber dildo, you're the one; you make bathtime so much fun; rubber dildo I'm awfully fond of you....You're the favorite of all my toys; when you squeeze me I make noise...   (Almost censored this one, but I am talking about an adult here, not a child!)

You heard of Jimmy Dean sausage?  Try our Jimmy Hoffa sausage!  It's not Ground Chuck, it's ground Sid.

When shopping for kittens, a smaller cat is less ferocious, consumes less food, is easier to pick up, and requires less cat box work.  Besides, everybody likes a little pussy.  Get pussy spayed or neutered, or you'll eventually have so many cats that the neighbors will say your home is a Cat House.  Meow!  Silly human!  I told you I want my filet mignon rare, not medium!  And, where's my side order of shrimp, stuffed with mouse entrails?  You got any of them karaoke?  Thems delicious.

I ♥ MY CAT. I ♠ MY CAT.

Slaver Ready:  Need slaves?  Our family has been in the slavery business for over 3 thousand years.  You can beat 'em, mistreat 'em, scream at 'em, and even use them for sadistic medical experiments.  Call me, Slaver Eddie, and I'll supply them for you!  Remember the name Slaver Eddie.  We're "Tight Packers", so we pack the ships 17 slaves deep, and many get damaged in the shipment process.  But, we have huge discounts on damaged merchandise!  Way deeper discounts than those bleedin' heart liberal Loose Packers!  Slaver Eddie for all of your slavery needs.  (Chains and whips sold seperately.)

Welcome to Frostbite Falls International Airport, Minneapolis, home of Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the moose.  Also the hub of Northwest (Territories) Airlines.  In a few minutes, we will be landing on a frozen lake, and sleighs will take us to the main terminal.  On the way, feel free to photograph the herds of caribou migrating in from St. Paul.  Thank you for flying East Siberian Airlines, and have a warm, above-freezing day in your heart.

Tourists please note that this was once the North Pole, home of Santa Claus, his workshop, elves, and reindeer.  Facing budget cuts, and a poor economy, Santa had been using only 6 reindeer instead of the usual 8, in order to save money on Purina Reindeer Chow.  Unfortunately, the Border Patrol ran into Santa down at the Rescue Mission, and deported him back to his native part of the North Pole, somewhere in Illinois.  He'll be back someday when he gets a new coyote.

Last year, you may recall, the FAA grounded Santa for exceeding the maximum permitted air-speed, and ticketed him for sleighing under the influence of too much eggnog.  He continued, with an elf as Designated Driver, but poor Santa fell off the roof twice, and barfed trying to woof down some cookies.  He has since cleaned up his act, and now Rudolph is the only one with a red nose.

Santa's in the AA meetings from time to time, and the Reindeer Society is helping care for his herd.  As for his sleigh, it'll be out of the body shop by Christmas, needing repair due to an elf backing it up into a broadcast tower.  The tower was not damaged, but the elf is suffering from a bruised ego.

Bed Bugs are Bar Flies that got out of the larval stage, and started a life of spreading sexually-transmitted diseases.

Navel Oranges didn't just fall off the produce truck yesterday!  They went to the Navel Academy!

Our House Dressing is made from the pieces of a very prestigious house.

I once lived at Cockroach Terrace Apartments.  Everyone was afraid to spray, because they were the only thing holding the building up.  The landlord eventually sold out to Rancho Cucaracha, a South American meat processing company that claims they have over 3 billion head on a tenth of an acre.  Carnie Asada, South American carnival meat.

Girl Scouts for dessert.  Really hard ones, too.  Girl Scouts?  Old Brownies.  Guys are different.  First you're a Boy Scout, then you're a Girl Scout, and then you're an Explorer.

Country gravy makes pretty strong wallpaper paste, but the problem is that both ants and roaches love it.

Ask about new Purina Elderly Chow.  It's liquid, 'cause gramps don't got no teeth.  Just pour it into his bowl.

New Rodent Helper, from the makers of Hamburger Helper.  In the Karaoke Section, with all of the other Japanese Rodent cooking supplies.

Finally, a cigarette that you can use anywhere!  No chance of a forest fire, it won't damage your lungs, and it can be used at work, on a bus stop, or even in a crowded restaurant!  Ask for new Marlboro Injectible.  All the flavor, in Regular or Menthol.  Real cowboys shoot Marlboro in the morning!  It doesn't stink like shit and regular cigarettes (same smell), and works okay even if one of your lungs has already been amputated!  New Marlboro Injectible.  Shoot one up today!

Everybody calls the boss "Mr. Dayhose".  His friends call him Ben or Benjamin.  I call him by his full name, Ben Dayhose.  I work for Ben Dayhose.  I bet you do, too.  (bilingual joke; Pendejos = fuck-head, asshole.) 

Ever wonder if Campbells Soup in South Africa has Cream of Elephant Soup?  We humans do eat all vegetarian animals.  Pachyderm Noodle-Roni?  How about Hip-Hoppin Hippo?  Long-neck bottled giraffe?  Chunky monkey.  Springbok spring rolls.  Lamb Spam actually sounds pretty tasty.  I'll have mine with an ostrich egg and a side order of wild boar bacon.  Make breakfast boaring when you stritch your budget.  Besides, Spam is Lamb spelled sideways.

It is said that Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's Restaurants, had a race horse at Del Mar named Big Mac.  So is the sandwich named after the horse, or vice versa?  McWhinnie-Burger?  At Del Mar, today's winner buys lunch, but today's loser is lunch.  Ground "beaf"?  It's Genuine Appaloosa.  What's that?  Well, it's bigger than a Tennessee Walker, but smaller than a Quarterhorse.  Much smaller than a Clydesdale.  Got a pig?  Name it Harley the Hog, or perhaps Oscar, as in Oscar Mayer (foods).  Babe Alert!  Got a Clydesdale?  Name it Bud.

I always wanted to see one football game a year between the last-place pro team and the first-place college team, or perhaps the College All-Stars.  Punishes the pro team for being last.  Call it the Toilet Bowl, or the Tidy Bowl, and sell bathroom products.  Is your toilet angry because it continually sees your butt hanging over it?  Stop diarrhea with Commodium AD.  Part of the Sewage Reduction Plan.  Ask about our new toilet water fragrance, "Cat Box".  Gets you plenty of personal space on crowded elevators and trolleys.  It's from the makers of OdorOhNo! under-arm reodorant.

When I first moved to San Diego, somebody told me that Abierto was Spanish for roast Chihuahua dog on a bun.  Really.  I went past a Mexican restaurant, and the sign said:  "Open.  Abierto."  I felt sorry for those cute little doggies.  Now, I know better.  Abierto just means "open", in Spanish.  Carne asada perrito is roast Chihuahua on a bun.  When the Taco Bell Chihuahua kept running around yelling "Yo Quiero Taco Bell", they finally gave him his wish, and chopped him up into 3 enchiladas.  Not a lot of meat on those little pups.  That's why Mexican hot dogs don't come in Chihuahua.  You can only get them in 3 flavors, Schnauser, Beagle, or Collie.  Well, there is a 4th flavor, put out by the drug cartels, but John Wayne Bobbit and Jeff Dahmer dogs cost extra.

McDonald's Restaurants once came up with the idea of an Adult Happy Meal, which substituted a salad for fries.  The problem was that people thought it came with an Adult Toy.  A Mayor McCheese McCondom?  How about a Ronald McDonald McVibrator?  A Hamburglar Hash-Pipe?  Or, maybe a McCokespoon?  Bad idea, because of the name.  The concept, more salad, less fries, is a good one.  Way better than Kentucky Fried Rodent.  You can get it in Regular or Extra Greasy.  It's finger-fucking good!  As for chicken nuggets, are those knee sockets or armpits?  Can you cut off a chicken's nuggets without hurting it?  Reminds me of moth balls.  Moths have really huge balls, and they stink so bad that they kill other insects.  Would you like an order of flies with that?

Times are hard.  When I went into the hardware store, looking for a garden hose, I ran into Jimmy The Pimp, working there.  (Jimmy is one of my characters.)  The pimpin' business has been hard hit by the Recession.  "You need hose?  I knows all about ho's", he said.  "Garden hose", I replied.  "Some of my ladies hangs out in the garden, so they be garden ho's."  "Rubber hose", I replied.  Irritated, he said, "All of my ladies got rubbers!  They all be rubber ho's."  Then he began, "The difference between a hotel and a motel be that a ho-tel got ho's.  And when Santa Claus say 'Ho-ho-ho', he want 3 of them bitches."  Three ho's for Santa!

Golf is a game where little animals come out of the ground (golfs) and you club them to death with a golf club.  Their holes are marked with big flags.  When you bag some golfs, you put them in a golf bag, and take them to the clubhouse.  They sell those little golfs to companies that make grits for breakfast.  Gopher grits, a Southern Favorite!

I bought my Mitsusquishi in Esconsqueako.

The man said he could help me lose over 200 pounds of excess ugly fat.  I asked if he was a personal trainer.  "No,", he said, "I'm a divorce lawyer".

Seen on a bumper sticker:  "Born Again Pagan.  My Other Car is a Broom.  My Broom's in the Closet, and so am I."

Karaoke is the largest of all the Japanese rodents.  Bars kill hundreds, and put up a huge sign that sez:  "Karaoke Wednesday Nights."  People come in for a big plateful, boiled, baked, steamed, or fried.  I like mine poached, with a side order of Isuzu Sauce.  The hardest part about eating Karaoke is that you gotta pull the fur off.  Japanese tradition says that when people dine on Karaoke, some of them have to "entertain" the others, by singing loud, and badly, and off-key.  This frightens away the karaoke spirits, so that they don't come back and haunt the bar.

I heard swine flu was a problem, so I started to arrange to get my pig vaccinated.  Too late.  He's already dead from a more prevalent disease:  Dinner.

People always ask me, "What's your sign?"  I usually tell them it's NO PARKING, but also SLIPPERY WHEN WET.

Señor, the reason your order is taking so long is that you ordered dos mariachis con queso.  Mariachis take a very long time to cook, and barely fit in the oven.  As for your other question, where all the musicians went, well, didn't you know?

[expansion on a joke originally written by Paul Prondzinski, my brother-in-law]:   I went to the computer store to buy a box of tracking cookies, but they said that their mouse already ate them.  I was surfing the web with my mouse late one night, and it fell off the board and drowned.  Now, I'm just a Rest Area on the Information Superhighway.  I did manage to get my computer de-bugged, though:  Took 4 cans, and they were running all over the floor!

Not all of the beautiful men in the world are either married or gay.  Some are drunk, broke, crazy, or out on parole.

I was chasing an enchilada down the street, trying to catch it for lunch.  Turnabout is fair play, so the damn thing turned around and bit me!  So much for having a bite.

Holy Guacamole, Batman!  Keep your distance from me.  Can't you see I'm wearing green?

Holy Moley?  Holy Mole?  Bean there and done that.

Heard from the gutter:  Four basic food groups?  Pretzels, beer, Twinkies, and french fries.  Ho-hos are in the Twinkie group.   I once had a $200 a day Twinkie habit.  Then, I joined Twinkers Anonymous, and they taught me how to shoot heroin.  Now I don't Twink no more.  Saw a lady in the grocery store just yesterday.  She had 3 shopping carts full of Twinkies.  I told her, "You can get help, lady!"  She told me it was for the church picnic.  I told her "That's what I used to tell people!"

Chihuahua cheese is expensive, because Chihuahuas are very tiny and don't give a lot of milk.  Besides, it's really hard to climb under them to milk 'em.

Hire the morally handicapped.  Vote.  (This comes from an editorial, "Saving The Economy".)  Chapter 10.

Once there was a man who never tasted good food.  Then, one day, he ate a bean burrito.  He liked it so much that he ate 16 of them.  Poor guy farted to death.  Terminal Flatulence.  Someday there will be a burrito warning label.

I admire the tactics of the Black Widow Spider.  Start the web on the outside, instead of the center, like most spiders.  Gradually add pieces, making nothing obvious, until it's too late.  And, used boyfriends are put to good use, too.  Protein.  Reminds me of the joke that we could make lawyers a lot more useful than they are now:  Turn them into pet food.  Jimmy Hoffa brand.  I wonder if the dogs and cats liked him.  They do like human smells.  You say that the police cadaver dog won't eat his food?  Keeps alerting on it?  Sit down, relax, and have a nice bowl of Soylent Green.  A drug cartel in Tijuana owns a hotdog company.  The fire-breathing dragon said to the little boy, "You humans are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup."  And, if you're ever in a plane crash, and people might have to resort to cannibalism, don't let anybody know you're a vegetarian.  Humans eat all herbavores, including horses, but no carnivores (in Western Civ.)  We only eat fellow animals that are vegetarian.  As for our menu-favorite vegetarian stew, there's 3 vegetarians in every batch.  I prefer a good Vegan stew, but the restaurant next door keeps running out of vegans.

Wal-Mart blender for making your own baby oil.

♦

New invisible toys from Wal-Mart.  The price is right!

♦

Piso Mojado:  Piss on the Floor.

♦

Babies use a mouth pacifier, or nuck, to be calm.  Dummies use an ear pacifier, or AM radio. 

KOGO YOUR NUCK IN HARD TIMES

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Cash, the god of money.

J. C. Penney's middle name was "Cash", as in Johnny, in case you didn't know, the other money reference being the last name Penney.  The joke goes that his middle name is the Mormon god (or Jewish one, as he was Jewish) who lives in the cash register. 

A tabernacle is called a cash register, where the god Cash is in residence, and an altar is called a checkout counter.  That's where the priests, called cashiers (priests of the god Cash) and the faithful, called customers, exchange god for various worldly goods.  If the idols represented by the worldly goods exceed the value of the idols represented on the currency, then the faithful approach the cashier priests to swap idols. 

Faithful are then given a tithe ticket, called a receipt, in case the values of the idols swapped prove incorrect.  Persons who abuse church principles eventually go to hell, which is a shopping mall.

You're there for eternity, don't have any money, live on the floor of the food court, and Satan is the Chief of Mall Police.  "Hell" of a TV series, eh?  Starving, you watch rich fat people, like the mall owners, Fatter Gay Saints, chow down.  Sometimes they throw you a little piece of leftover rat meat called "Chick's Fillet", but on Sundays, you starve.  You'll have to make do with Kentucky Fried Rodent.  The Colonel's still around, and after a lot of plastic surgery, became San Diego police chief, and then mayor.  You should see what got censored out!

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The bar drink "Scoobie Snack", green with Midori Melon Liqueur, was once called a "Kermit's Kum", named after Kermit the Frog on Sesame Street.  The reason for the name change is obvious.  Japanese rice drink was impossible to sell in Mexico, until they started calling it by the Mexican name of Don Jose Horchata.  Italian pasta was invented to imitate the rice noodles used by visiting Chinese sailors.  Tomatoes, in the hemlock and nightshade plant variety, were thought to be poisonous, until more than one unsuccessful suicide resulted.  Stories of Jesus handing people ears of corn abound, except that corn never existed in the Old World until Columbus returned with some around 1500 AD.  Tomatoes are either red or yellow in nature, but the red ones are higher in both acid and flavor.  Raspberries come in red and white varieties, but the white ones are not as flavorful, and so are not generally cultivated.  Grapes come in white, besides the usual red, green, and purple.  Yellow-flesh watermelon is often sweeter than the pink.  Oranges also come in red, and are referred to as "blood oranges" due to the red orange juice they produce.  Cherries come in red and yellow, but did you know that tart cherries also come in yellow?  Rice comes in white, pink, yellow, gold, brown, and even pure black.  Corn comes in yellow, white, red, brown, and lots of variations, such as popcorn, and grits (giant kernels, nixtmal).  Nasturtiums are a pretty flower eaten as a vegetable for a thousand years.  They are prolific enough to grow commercially, and come in yellow, red, orange, tiger, and all combinations thereof.  You eat them raw in salads, a flower.  Thousands of varieties of citrus fruits exist, but only a handful are grown commercially.  The strange ones are the citron, quince, and pummelo, plus a few hundred native to Hawaii.  Sweet limes, such as Myer's Limes and limas, are grown and eaten in some countries, but not USA.  They are as sweet as a peach.  Many berries can be crossed, such as a cross between a blackberry and a raspberry to produce a black raspberry.  The resultant fruit is viable (its seeds can be planted and will grow) which means that berries are all the same species, each berry variety being a "breed" or "race".  Some animals have huge variations like that, too, such as dogs.  Really designer fruit can be had by crossing a cranberry-blueberry with a huckleberry-blackberry, and getting a whole new "breed" of fruit.  Loganberries, Boysenberries, and other similar designer berries already exist as fruit strains.  Bushberries are so similar to a raspberry that most people can't tell them from one, yet have freeze-proof and plant-strength DNA from other berry varieties.  Canadian bacon was invented in Iowa, but the Canadians liked the idea.  Swiss cheese was invented in Wisconsin, and the Swiss liked that idea, too.  Chop suey is from California's Chinese railroad workers of years past, and pizza, of course, comes from New York City.  Except Chicago pizza, which comes from Sicily.  Arizona likes the iced tea named after their state, even though it comes from New York State.  Mull that over with some Mexican beer, invented in Munich, which goes well with a Chicago hot dog, invented in Milwaukee.  That's food!

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Vaya Con

DI LD  OS

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Sir John

Sir John Crapper was knighted by Queen Elizabeth for his invention (probably not original) of the indoor toilet.  No more freezing her royal ass off, going outside to the stinky outhouse.  Sir John's name is why a toilet is called a john, and also why it is called the crapper.  Origin of the word "crap".  Crap music?  Crapping paper?  Crappy camper, the guy who dropped his wallet into the outhouse vault.

Hot DOG?  Funny Name For A Sandwich!

All sandwiches are said to go back to a man named Montegue in England, who asked an innkeeper for meat between two slices of bread.  He was the Earl of a place called Sandwich.  The idea caught on.  Eventually, each place had its own unique sandwich, such as the Hamburg Ground Steak sandwich, or hamburger, from Hamburg, Germany. 

Frankfurt, Germany, liked a specially- shaped knackwurst, long and thin so as to fit in a hoagie bun, or submarine roll.  They called this the Frankfurter sausage sandwich.  All okay until World War 2.

Many nations sought to distance themselves from all things German.  The British Royal Family changed their name from Hapfsberg to Windsor, naming themselves after Windsor Castle.  Since the word "kraut" was the derogatory name for a nazi, sauerkraut became known as "liberty cabbage".  What about the frankfurter?  It needs a new name, and a new image.  

New York's kosher delis wanted to associate this veal knackwurst sandwich with baseball, thought to the most "American" (USA) of pastimes.  Plus, Kosher Veal is just about as anti-Hitler as you can get!  But what do we call it?

The ranchers who grew the veal referred to any young (veal) beef cows as "doggies", as in the lyrics "Git-a-long, little doggies".  (Long "o").  So, the American (USA) baseball sandwich became the "hot doggie sausage".  Nathan's Deli, Coney Island, New York, sponsored publicity-stunt contests to see who could eat the most of them.  (They still do.)

The name stuck, and so did the association with baseball.  Nowadays, of course, hot dogs may contain a variety of meats, just like hamburgers are usually made from retired dairy cows instead of Angus sirloin.  The original kosher veal knackwurst hot "doggie" sausages are still sold today at most high-end supermarkets.  Nice doggie! 

[Originally written Nov. 20, 2008, and rejected by the San Diego Reader.]

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠END OF THE BITE ME! SECTION

Chew!

This is the sequel to "Bite Me!", the humor section above:

We're calling the 815 bus the Thong Bus because it goes from one side of San Diego's crotch to the other, thru El Cajon.  A man's testicles, in Spanish, are Los Cajones, the singular for Los being El, and the singular for Cajones being Cajon.  So, El Cajon is the singular of testicles, or one testicle.  Crotch?  Yup.

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Hot Cheese:  McDonald's One-Third Pounder Angus Burger is guaranteed to get your arteries so clogged up that you die of a heart attack before you even leave the restaurant!  It's on the Instant Karma food menu.  It's even faster than the old McCyanide, which itself was itself quicker to kill you than its predecessor, the very slow McE-coli Rat Droppings Sandwich.  That one took a whole 2 weeks to kill you.

By the way, Angus (beef cow) is just its name.  It's dairy cow, like the other fast-food barfburgers.  Get one with cheese, because the melted cheese acts like glue, and keeps the pickles and stuff from getting away, and falling out of the bun.  Ask that guy behind the counter, the one with the hot-glue-gun full of hot cheese.  If it's still hot and sticky, and not dry yet, hot cheese glue makes a great cockroach glue trap.

I used it to glue my car window back on, but when it dried, cockroaches attacked it and at all of my glue cheese.  I have been eating that cheese-glue for years, going back to when I used to like fondglue (fondue).  Yellow Elmer's, without the glue-snorter top.

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You know tourism is in trouble when the bus arrives and it´s being pulled by donkeys.  You know tourism is in even worse trouble when you get to the hotel and the donkeys are staying at the room next to yours.  Really start to worry when the donkeys get a better table than you at the show.  To be a success, all you need is the right connections, plus you gotta be a real big ass.  And, you gotta kiss a few asses, too.  I dunno about kissing, but they are rather well-endowed, and I wonder if they like getting hitched.  Donkey love is a stable relationship.  Or hotel, I suppose.  Tell that one fella not to eat directly off the salad bar.  Inside grazing does not mean sticking your snout into the lettuce.  Women dream of a salami like his, even if he is an ass.  Hope he uses Trojan Horse, to minimize diseases.  Fill one of those Trojan Horse condoms with helium, and you can make a Sky Kitty.  (Some people in Tijuana tie helium ballons to unwanted kittens.  They usually land safely.)

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My lampoon of the San Diego Reader continues:

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When you look in a dumpster, rolled up rugs sometimes contain bodies that gangsters put there, or homeless people who were discarded.  The Medical Cadaver Society pays cash!  (Some people find good rugs, too.)  Today, 1-20-11, the San Diego Reader didn´t even carry my favorite humorous feature, News of the Weird.  Other than that, I read Potter and Bauder, and sometimes chuckle about Sheep and Goats, lampooned below. 

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[the San Diego Reader religious section "Sheep and Goats" features interviews with local religious ministers about their ministry]

Sheeet From Goats:

Sheep and Goats, Cats, Humans, and an occasional one of us frog tadpoles that looks like a huge green sperm

Sheep like being herded, goats hate it, and herded cats will bite you or shit on your pillow.  Humans like being herded if they can donate to Holy Communion, and, oh yeah, us tadpoles.  Baby frogs are slithery but smell better than baby humans and don´t need diapers.  They don´t cry, moan, complain, or need clothes, shoes, and a crib, either.  Us tadpoles are the sperm of the future.  Here, we are interviewing Most Rev. John Schlitz:

♦  So, you are a Bishop?  You?  Really?  ♦  Yup, long hair and all, since 1989 when I ran into God, chasing myself thru the woods.  ♦

♦  Yup, I can see that happening.  God probably wanted to talk to your Agent? 

How long does it take you to write your sermon?  ♦  All my life, and you are reading a piece of it right now.  Ass-kickin´, aint it?  You think a two-hour sermon is tough?  Try a 40-year one.  And with MY voice?  Even the church cockroaches walked out.  Saved having to call the exterminator.  ♦

♦  Have you ever had a sermon that flopped?  ♦  I did have a written one that got used for hygenic necessity one time when somebody fed the choir a whole bunch of fruit for breakfast but nobody checked whether the church had any toilet paper.  Luckily, it was on newsprint, and didn´t clog up the sewers.  God was with us that day, just not in the front row, mind you.  ♦

♦  What is the religious mission of your church?  ♦  I dunno, sort of like maybe getting a lot of dumb assholes to wise up, and start treating everybody else a lot better.  You do know that we humans are the stupidest species.  ♦

♦  Why?  ♦  War, rape, cheating, hatred, killing, lies, and the really big one, taxes.  Worms don´t do all that dumb shit.  Stinky skunks don´t either.  You gotta be human to be a real moron.  ♦

♦  That word is "Mormon".  ♦  Okay, but non-morons do that stuff, too, just not as much of it.  ♦

♦  Where do we go when we die?  ♦  Big Joe´s Funeral Home, of course.  Why?  You get a discount for plugging Joe?  I´m pissed at Joe for getting so commercial.  The whole idea of a Coca-Cola casket and televising funerals for the TV revenues is terrible.  Purina Dog Chow sponsored my neighbor´s send-off.  New Liver Flavor.  ♦

♦  Okay, where do our souls or spirits go when we die?  ♦  Good question.  God said he recycles human spirits into new people, but the church leaders wanted me to shut up about it.  Does that make a church a recycling center for used people?  If I´m in the spirit recycling business, I want my CRV or deposit money when I bring ém in to get melted down, okay?  What happened to all that bullshit about heaven and hell and eternal sauna in a satanic barbecue pit?  Is nothing sacred except kosher weiners?  They come 8 to a pack and are already circumcised.  Shaped a little funny, but at least they aren´t goy.  ♦

♦  That word is "gay", not "goy".  ♦  No, it´s goy, and indicates an unclean sub-human that is not part of the Judeo-Mormon Master Race:  you know, not even a real estate agent, much less a banker or wealthy businessman.  A real slime sub-human.  A Catholic with a rosary and a statue of some kinda virgin named Mary.  Why would anybody be interested in a virgin, anyway?  They gotta be pretty lousy in the sack, with all that lack of experience.  Give me the statue of a really great hooker, nude, instead.  That´s religious inspiration.  By the way, have you tried the crackers?  They´re free, and don´t let the fish smell bother you.  ♦

♦  Do the crackers come in flavors?  ♦  Sure, we got the onion and cheese ones out in the back room getting whacked.  Somebody help find me a nun, my dick is hard.  Sister Josie does such a good extraction with her mouth.  True devotion to Jesus.  That´s why people go to church.  You know, not every church has their own brand of condoms for catching all that stuff.  Here, we even have our own brand of church crackers, called "Eat God!"  He pops them into your mouth and says "Bite Me!"  ♦ 

____________________________ADVERTISEMENT____________________________

This interview was brought to you by new Tampax Edible, reminding you that the wrong time of the month is the right time for going swimming and then having great fun in bed.  Tampax Edible.  When just fucking like a race horse isn´t nearly hot and horny enough.  From the makers of Bag-O-Jism, the edible scented and flavored condoms.  Holy Cow!  That´s where kosher milk comes from, the Rabbinical gulp.  "Swallow."

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Can a really large tit-holder (bra) be used for a tent when it rains?  Perks of having a large girlfriend.  Do the adult entertainers who wear that size bra use a forklift to get their boobs into the building?  Some women need two zip codes, left and right.

An amusement device, a scale for human weight located at a travelling carnival I attended spit out tickets telling your weight, plus snide comments.  "280 pounds?  Get off, you're hurting me!"  "I only weigh one person at a time, so one of you will have to get off and wait."  "Are you really large, or a geographical area?"  "Take your rider off of your saddle, and have him stand on the scale alone, okay?"

I still remember the story of the robust lady who was taking a flight to Fresno, California, and the baggage agent ticketed her bag FAT.  When she complained, she was informed that it stood for Fresno Air Terminal.

The reason Pirate Pete walks so good despite having a wooden leg is that the one he got bit off by an alligator is the small one, in the middle of the 3.  Genuine teakwood.  Long Dong Holmes was a pirate before he started making porno movies.  I saw him years ago in Debbie Does the Dallas Dog Pound, starring with a Dane, and Afghan, and a Beagle. 

Afghans are those dust-mop dogs that have a leash instead of a handle.  I heard those dogs have their own country.  They got a mascot instead of an ambassador, named Afghan Stan.  Cute, but I wouldn't want to shampoo all that hair.  Pets should never represent nations, because it makes it look like the whole world has gone to the dogs.

My mouse knocked over the Recycle Bin, ate all my cookies, and shit all over the inside of my computer.  Cookies are a gnostic concept, in which genetic memory is left behind in the computer (not human) that eats them.  Holy Computermunion.  The Latin and Spanish word "galletas" is used for the English word cracker, such as the hosts, but the same word also means cookies.  So, what is the computer word for Jesus?  Bill Gates?

Time for our new computer program, Draperies, that adds to Windows in order to conceal the room from the prying eyes of Dr. SpamaLot.  He sells information to dirt-sharks who try to force people to behave using blackmail.  Want to keep your sexual preference a secret?  We won´t put your foot odor problem on the front page of the rural newspaper, will we?  Just send in $700 to the $700 Club, your religious partners, helping you stay in line for Bill...I mean, Jesus.  (Actually Gates has been lots better than Goongle, sending goons to copy hard drives.)  A hard drive is for getting your dong hard, right?  Soft porn goes on a soft drive.  A thumb drive?  No, that´s for women to use, so they don´t get their real thumb dirty.

I always listen to WALRUS, Western ALternative Radio - United States, and it never bit me once.  WalrusFM.com     Does a walrus dentist use a tow chain and a pickup truck to pull a tusk?  A few of these brutes could clean up the whole La Jolla seals problem in San Diego, because walrus love seals, medium-raw, and seals come pre-stuffed with fish they have eaten.  Anybody got a tube of wasabi sauce?

Walrus "Big Harry", or is it Big Hairy, owns this beach, and wants you tourists to stay away from his harem.  Hef may be getting hitched, but Hairy says that´s for wimps who are too old to defend their territory.  He sez his beach is important to him, as he has fought sea lions, seals, otters, snakes, crabs, spiders, and the worst enemy of all as he sees it, the California Coastal Commission.  They have feared guys with even bigger teeth than his, called lawyers.

A walrus can clear out a beach in an hour, but those lawyers can clear out a whole neighborhood, walruses and all!  Hairy the Walrus has a bumper sticker on one of his fins that says "Save a Whale.  Eat a Lawyer."  Sharks are his heroes in that department, but many of the lawyers are sharks, too.  Mob sharks, loan sharks, even mudsharks with scratchy skin.  He has discovered the secret that most of us have known for years, namely that lawyers make excellent fish bait.

Hell, the mafia has known that all along.  Welcome to reality, Walrus.  Did you guys really try to eat Paul?  I told you humans have bad taste.  Me especially.  Foot-in-mouth?  Yup, tastes just like Argyle socks, which are sold separately, and no innocent Argyles were harmed in making this joke.  Hairy likes the smell, sort of like fish.  Aged fish, the good stuff.  Thanks, Hairy.  Can you really dance the Bossa Nova?  Hairy, you need to get on a treadmill.  You´re as plump as I was back when I had a $200-a-day Twinkie habit.  You can get help, you know.  I joined Twinkers Anonymous, and now haven´t Twinked in years.  Oh, you´re on the seafood diet?  Anytime you sea food, you eat it?

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Is the new smaller McDonald´s McDouble burger called the Mc-One-And-A-Half?  When they tear 30 feet off of pier 16, does it become pier 15.7?  Why not?  If the super-mega-extra-huge-large size of laundry detergent is only a small handful of soap, is the small size but one single grain of detergent solids?  Is cheese the edible glue that holds the pickles so they don´t fall out of the hamburger bun?  At our church picnic "Pot Luck" has something to do with marijuana.  Try the brownies.  When they get old, old brownies are Girl Scouts.

When they take the pecker off a bull and slice it thin into round weenie-slices, it goes onto pizza and becomes peckeroni.  Don´t let it bother you to eat peckeroni pizza, because some bulls needed to get whacked anyway, so they don´t give VD to the moo-cows.  A better idea would be to have them use one of them Trojan Horse condoms that they make for race horses.

Nobody likes his dong served on Italian food, not even a bull.  A really well-endowed pizza is said to have a whole lotta bull.  Maybe that´s why I like pizza so much.  I think it´s spiritual, from eating lots of dairy products my whole life.  Would you like bacteria-fermented bodily fluids from a stinky barn animal (cheese) with that? 

Got milk?  Got any other bodily fluids from a cow?  What about the baby cows?  We don´t need any milk for them, because we already made them into post-cows, on a bun with mustard and ketchup.  We added some of that reprocessed udder-cum, too (cheese).  Cheese melts and holds all of the rest of that stuff in place, just like on a pizza.  Think of it as organic glue. 

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(everything is a matter of perspective):

The Gourmet Mushroom Cookbook

Greetings, my fellow Gourmet Mushrooms!  I am happy to present this cooking guide to you.  All recipies are tested by Shit-Lab, the world leader in growing food for us Gourmet Mushrooms.  Today´s Recipe:

• Background pilaf of basic cow shit, crumbled.
• Few ounces of aged extra-stinky fish bait.
• Whipped green baby poop (looks like guacamole) from diapers.
• Two pounds of fresh, soft, cat-box turds.
• 2 apples, from thoroughbred race horses

Lay down the pilaf, arrange the kitty and horsie delicacies in layers, top with the fishies (anchovies may be substituted), garnish with the baby guac and a splash of fresh municipal sewage.  Masterpiece!

Nothing finer than Gourmet Mushroom cuisine, if you prepare it right, and the aroma is breathtaking.

Today´s featured shit-farmer is Ben Schlock, from Aina-Hey County, Wisconsin.  He runs a dairy-shit farm, producing 38 tons of cow-shit a week.  Of course, he does get stuck with that bodily-fluids-from-a-barn-animal stuff, too, milk.  Milk, of course, is a by-product of the shit-production business.  Ben belongs to the American Dairy-Shit Association, which has a website promoting food for us gourmet mushrooms at Cow-Shit.Com.  They have a famous slogan used in their advertising, "Got Shit?"

As a gourmet mushroom, you no doubt appreciate Mr. Schlock´s efforts.  One of his best-producing cows even made the ADSA (American Dairy-Shit Association) honors list as Asshole of the Month.  You really must try his product, because it is Really Good Shit.  Worthy of an Enny Award, the pride of the Enema Society.

Ben´s "Got Shit?" farmers recently came up with a line of fine aged cow piss, now available in bottles and cans, wherever Gourmet Mushroom food is sold.  Gives me visions of extra-special culinary delights, like super-fresh diarrhea.

As you know, the reason that cow poop is so special is that only cows shit right onto their own food, the grass, and then eat the grass they shit on.  See?  Cows are smart.  I´ll take one of those to go, but hold the grass.  I´m on a diet.

Smile for the camera, say "cheese", and show me your shit-eating grin, Mr. Cow!  Really crappy cows hang out in Wisconsin, the Dairy Manure State.  Make mine Golden Guernsey, fine cow-shit for the gourmet connesseur (or is it Conna-Sewer?)

And, be sure to shop at our fine grocery chains, Shit Emporium, Shit Depot, Shit-R-Us, Shit-4-Less, PoopVendor, and Shit-To-Go, in the Convenience Shit Store business.  And look for our tasty ads in the Gourmet Mushroom Food Section of the Wall Street Urinal or the L.A. Slimes.  And, those of you who prefer to eat human, check out the Undertakers´ Tribune, or UT.  Humans give me indigestion when I eat them.

Coffee is a great laxative, and a good brain-laxative, too.  Helps people squeeze the shit out of their heads, ending mental constipation.  Join C.A.B.L.E., the California Area Brain Laxative & Enema society, at a coffeeshop near you.  Tell them Dr. Fertilizer sent you.  And, remember that drip coffee is strictly for IV Drip, when you´re in the hospital and don´t have any stomach anymore, but are still addicted.  They can shoot you up with Starbucks.

                           A Snake (Awake)

Official Publication of Jehovah´s Pigfuckers

Stupid People´s Division of the Fatter Gay Saints

Do you believe in the bible?  We believe in it, for attracting people who are especially-stupid brainwashed idiots, so we can take their money for real estate projects!  Remember, we will aways tell you what every word of that Holy Bible, means, so listen to us and obey!  If you step out of line just once, Satan will swallow you up whole for eternal pain and damnation in hell.  Don´t risk it.  We know about all this stuff, because we have all been to hell and are now out on parole.  We work for Satan, trying to sucker innocent slobs like you.

Got Shit?

Support the Shit-Drive of the Starving Plants Foundation Shit Is Our Food Fund, at the American Outhouse Plant Food Pantry.  Pull your pants down and give generously, because starving plants depend upon you!

A lap-belt holds your lap-top in place, doesn´t it?  And, if you don´t have a lap-top, you´re topless?  Lap-topless?  Those who dance with their lap-tops are lap dancers?  Just my luck, I´d get a lap-dog.  Lap bands play the music for lap dancers.  It´s all too much at once for me to lap up.

Christmas Jokes (some are last year reprints):

Welcome to Frostbite Falls International Airport, Minneapolis, home of Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the moose.  Also the hub of Northwest (Territories) Airlines.  In a few minutes, we will be landing on a frozen lake, and sleighs will take us to the main terminal.  On the way, feel free to photograph the herds of caribou migrating in from St. Paul.  Thank you for flying East Siberian Airlines, and have a warm, above-freezing day in your heart.

Tourists please note that this was once the North Pole, home of Santa Claus, his workshop, elves, and reindeer.  Facing budget cuts, and a poor economy, Santa had been using only 6 reindeer instead of the usual 8, in order to save money on Purina Reindeer Chow.  Unfortunately, the Border Patrol ran into Santa down at the Rescue Mission, and deported him back to his native part of the North Pole, somewhere in Illinois.  He'll be back someday when he gets a new coyote.

Last year, you may recall, the FAA grounded Santa for exceeding the maximum permitted air-speed, and ticketed him for sleighing under the influence of too much eggnog.  He continued, with an elf as Designated Driver, but poor Santa fell off the roof twice, and barfed trying to woof down some cookies.  He has since cleaned up his act, and now Rudolph is the only one with a red nose.

Santa's in the AA meetings from time to time, and the Reindeer Society is helping care for his herd.  As for his sleigh, it'll be out of the body shop by Christmas, needing repair due to an elf backing it up into a broadcast tower.  The tower was not damaged, but the elf is suffering from a bruised ego.

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Times are hard.  When I went into the hardware store, looking for a garden hose, I ran into Jimmy The Pimp, working there.  (Jimmy is one of my characters.)  The pimpin' business has been hard hit by the Recession.  "You need hose?  I knows all about ho's", he said.  "Garden hose", I replied.  "Some of my ladies hangs out in the garden, so they be garden ho's."  "Rubber hose", I replied.  Irritated, he said, "All of my ladies got rubbers!  They all be rubber ho's."  Then he began, "The difference between a hotel and a motel be that a ho-tel got ho's.  And when Santa Claus say 'Ho-ho-ho', he want 3 of them bitches."  Three ho's for Santa!

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Recently, Santa Claus got caught performing without a green card, and had to do 15 days in jail.  While in jail he managed to organize some of the smaller inmates into a band of elves, making Christmas gifts for bad little boys, like handguns and skyrockets.  St. Nick shrugged his shoulders and said that is what they get for putting him in jail.

Finally released, he went down to the pawnshop to get some of his bells and holly out of hock, so if he can afford enuf reindeer chow, he will be on his way.  He has a new police and FAA radar detector on the dashboard of the sleigh, because he has to exceed the speed of light in order to get down everybodys chimney by morning.

Last year, he stopped for some milk and cookies.  Bad move.  He puked the rest of the evening.  Wash your hands after using the toilet, and before leaving treats for Santa Claus, okay?  Makes it hard to sit down in the sleigh when your ass has just taken a big shot of penicillin.

When he got done for the evening (Santa gotta finish by dawn because hes a vampire) we took him out for a Christmas drink.  He had a Vampire Cocktail for breakfast (Bloody Mary, Type AB Pos.), and after he chugged it, he shouted out "Ho-Ho-Ho", so we knew he was hornier than Rudolph.  We got him his 3 hos down at Adelitas Whorehouse.  How does that fat guy fit into a bed with 3 hos, anyway?  And, at his age, he must Chew Viagra like they was Jelly-Bellys.  They do got a bubble gum machine in Mexico that accepts $4 tokens and spits out erection drugs. 

I think we gotta get Santa out to the bath house, and send his uniform out to the drycleaners, so he doesnt go back to Mrs. Claus smelling like hookers.  He gotta watch out, because a few of the whores use secret video cameras, and Santa could end up on the web, eating a Christmas tart.  (British pun intended.)  That stuff doesnt make my antler hard, any more than watching Donner pork Blitzen.  Rudolph dont like it either, but for a different reason:  Hes gay. 

I still remember the year when there was way too much snow, and Santa had such a White Christmas that he nearly got sent to the hospital on a Code John Belushi.  Thats ambulance talk.  Hollywood ambulance talk.

Akmed!  Help!  I think my camel is in love with me!  Please!  Akmed!  He is licking my private parts!  And, it feels good!  You must help me so that my soul does not become infidel!  Well, he is slightly more pretty than my wife, who covers her face in public so that no one vomits.  She smells a lot worse than my camel, too.

Coffee:  Why just have a Cup of Joe in the morning, when you can blaze new trails in excretory science with a Tijuana "Cup of Jose"?  Made with the world-famous Tijuana water, Jose is the worlds most powerful laxative, and will help ignite your butt, causing powerful ass-plosions of a purely fecal nature.  Great for doing elevator-wall murals.  Its sort of like having your asshole flushed out with a garden hose.  Enema Mexicana.

Warning:  The Surgeon General has determined that drinking Distilled Spirits, Beer, Coolers, Wine, and Other Alcoholic Beverages may increase Pregnancy, DUI Convictions, Child Support Payments, Lack of Common Sense, and Complete Stupidity.  Drink Socially, not Addictively!

Remember that there is no mafia in America, and you heard that here on the NBC Gambino Television Network.  Anybody who says there is a mafia, well, let us know because we got guys what can handle him.  You can also get your news from the Scaffidi and Buscliadotti Family at CBS, or our other esteemed parter, the ABC-Famiglia Marechiapini network.  And, please tell us who believes in this fictional, mythological organization, because we are very low on fresh fish, and are seeking fresh bait.  We also have the problem of having to lay off employees at our dog food company for lack of cheap fresh meat.  So, tell us and collect a reward.  Who believes in the mafia?  Not you, because you are smart.  And, you are alive, too.  And, you want to stay that way, don´t you?  So, keep listening to the truth on TV, and remember that Papa Scaffdi loves you.

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The local politician wanted to try to drum up some more votes by going to the Native American Indian Reservation.  He began a speech, and everybody listened, shouting a big "Amen!" in unison with the tribal word "Zanahoe!"  He was a big hit, and continued for half an hour.  By that time, the whole tribe was chanting "Zanahoe!  Zanahoe!  Zanahoe!", so he knew he was a hero.  Their votes were his.

Before leaving, he visited the Tribal Chairman, formerly known as a "Chief", asking to view the many livestock holdings owned by the tribe.  He was informed that they owned over 10,000 head of beef cattle.  He wanted to look around on foot, but the Chief suggested they use his jeep.  "You are dressed very well, with nice shoes, and I don´t want you stepping in all that Zanahoe out there."  (Zanahoe is the Apache word for "bullshit".)

The New UT (Ugliest Tabloid)

"Serving the Capitalist Gestapo Rich Fat Oinky Pigs, Like You"

(Squeal Pretty now)

MUTT

"All breeds of newspaper combined.  The small-town paper that went stray in the big city."

In This Issue:

• Can Barbecued Rats Feed Our Homeless?
• Vote to Reduce Taxes by Eliminating all Schools!
• Reader Polls Determine Obama to be the Anti-Christ!
• Legalize the Flogging of Domestic Help!
• How to Import Immigrants and Force Them to Work for Free!
• Bring Back the Time-Honored Traditon of the Slave Trade!

Help support our advertisers:  Your ad will help wrap fish, and pad the shipping boxes of manufactured goods, worldwide!  We can´t even GIVE AWAY our Spanish edition, "Enlace"!  Our new format uses less paper and more bullshit!  Ask about quantity discounts for the mass-brainwashing of schoolkids!

The  MUTT  is guaranteed to be the newspaper of your dreams, provided that you own your own stock exchange, and helps you to keep poor and not-as-rich-as-you people pounded properly into the ground!  Show no mercy!  Grab your golf clubs and start pounding!  It is up to you and us to keep poor people from escaping and polluting society!

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The lady told me to find Jesus, but another lady told me that yesterday.  Is he lost again?  We need to get this guy to take his Alzheimer´s medicine.  When I finally found him, he was down at the Salvation Army standing in line with Elvis and Santa Claus.  They´re all out of work right now.  It´s a shame, but once you´re dead, nobody will hire you, even though you do twice as much work as most corporate executives.

My dog finally got his MasterCard cancelled for not paying the bill.  You´d think a dog would be a poor credit risk, but they gave him one, and not me.  He´s having trouble buying his vegetarian dog food, which is a shame because he has a serious religious committment to being a vegetarian.  He´s a Presbyterian.  Lately, though, he´s been hanging around with those Hare Krishna types, so I worry that he may never find Jesus!  I don´t want to see him do eternal damnation in hell just because of being tempted by some sexy cocker spaniel!

Travelling to Mexico?  Check out our bodyguards, body armor, bomb insurance, bomb-sniffing dog rental, and armor-plated vehicles.

This blog is tough because I´m running Windows 1956 and entering data requires punch-cards.

Thinking Green?  Armegeddon Paint Co. has a complete line of ozone-depleting, toxic-chemical-enriched lead-based paints, so you can paint over the styrofoam waste dump, or paint the entire used tire dump GREEN!  Going Green has never been so easy as when you use Armegeddon Toxic Green Paint!  And, we now have the solution to the problem of all that toxic standing water in your yard.  Paint it blue with new toxic blue dye for pools and water!  Kills 99.999% of all living things on contact!  So, go Green, with pretty Blue water!

Armegeddon Paint.  Another fine Green idea from Kill-The-Planet.Org.

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Swallow!

Third in the series of humor by John Kitchin (Bite Me!, Chew!, Swallow!)

May 24, 2011

The Adventures of Arnold The Pig (On Green Acres):  What do you call it when 17 women come forward accusing Arnold-The-Pig Terminator of having gotten 'em preggo?  Messy divorce.  Call up them Reserve Lawyers, Bubba.  How much did the judge say he wanted for that "Retainer Fee"?  Hell, he gotta be kidding.  I bought whole countries for less money than that.  Tell him we want a discount on the...bribe...uh, campaign contribution.

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If the chicken pieces are too large for your young child, ask about other birds available, such as new Kentucky Fried Parrot.  Pirates of the Caribbean swear by 'em, and there's a talking parrot toy in every box.

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Try visiting my 3 Social Networking Sites, called My Photo, SpaceBook, and TITTER.  There are actual spaces on my website which contain these things (purple links).  My Photo lets me advertise myself and friends, SpaceBook is for networking with UFO aliens, and TITTER is for women who want to advertise their anatomy.  The male equivalent site would be called PENII.  (None serious, except My Photo page.)

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Dogs have the right idea and are very smart.  When a dog sees something new, it gives it a little sniff.  Smells good to eat, eat it.  Smells good to fuck, fuck it.  Can't eat it and can't fuck it?  Piss on it.

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I desperately need to know how to type over an existing photo for this website.  I am in Tijuana, renting a cheap computer, and I cannot understand any of the right-clicks, however.  Right-click sez:  "Spitzpacken Sloogmagen".  German?  Maybe Yiddish?  Windows - Yiddish?  You have to scrape the semen off your cookies when you shut down your browser.  Otherwise, Holy Cummunion will infest your hard-drive, making it get soft.  Soft cookies are okay, but a soft hard-drive is bad.  Computers don't cyber-pump information unless you keep their hard drives hard.  They talk about it all the time in machine language.  Lube 'em a little with Cybalis Cyber-dope, and that'll get their hard drives hard again.  An e-Rection.  My hard drive was so bad that it got Micro-Soft, but I got a patch for that.

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If you got really bad problems with hemhorroids and other asshole troubles, you can get your butt tested for stuff at the nearest anal crack lab.  And, if you have some genetic problems related to race, check out the Black labs.
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Snow is the unacceptable ingredient in the pizza that makes up climate.  If the weather where you live is a pizza, I stop at just cheese, sausage, mushrooms, onions, pepperoni, spinach, and pineapple.  Adding snow to the weather mix is like adding, well, dog shit.  Some people live in the frozen north tundra, the pizza with the dog shit on it, and just pick the dog shit off the pizza and eat the rest.  Not me.  If Fido uses your pizza for a fire hydrant, I am not chowing down on it.  Cheese, sausage, pepperoni, and fresh snow (dog shit).  Yummy.  If you like it, I will hold my nose.  Bone appetit, Rover.
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Horses love to eat apples.  Nonetheless, horse apples are not apples that you give to horses, either.  Would an apple pie for horses be a horse apple pie?  Well, a mushroom or even a cornfield appreciates fertilizer, but you could think of horses as an Industrial Shit Machine.  Cute, strong, endearing, fast, fun, but a shit machine nonetheless.  And, horse apples are just one of the fruits that their family tree produces.  
 
Plants eat shit.  Somewhere, there is a colony of cultured mushrooms (mushrooms with culture) that has a taste for the "Shit Flavor of the Week".  Chocolate cow-pie with horseapple sheep dip.  Gourmet mushrooms (mushrooms who have great culinary training) usually prefer an entree of Holy Shit, direct from the convent toilet.  Yes, all plants eat shit, and a few of them, like the Venus Flytrap, even Chew.   And, I have had a plant Bite Me, too, back when I was chasing an angry enchilada down the street.  Hot peppers have a nasty bite.
 
If plants eat shit, do they consider an outhouse to be a food pantry?  Help donate to starving plants!  We´re having a shit-drive for the plant food shit-pantry to help feed starving mushrooms, cucumbers, corn, and other plants.  Your donation is appreciated, so take down your pants and make a difference!
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     Coming soon:  A new ass-smell-abating air freshener that goes on the butt of cows when the pasture is too close to a nearby rural school with open windows, or perhaps a bakery.  Called "Derriere" (Dairy-Air), it comes in 3 fragrances:  Fresh grass, cornfield, and apple orchard.  What´s next?  A similar version that goes around the necks of diaper-lickers (cigarette smokers) to keep the Great Outdoors from smelling like the Great Out(House) Doors.
     Packs of stench-sticks (cigarettes) will contain this adult-diaper air freshener necklace.  Similar to an under-arm deodorant, this is an under-chin deodorant to partially hide and neutralize the extreme awful stench (worse than shit or catboxes) caused by the diaper-lickers (smokers) lighting up their stench-sticks (cigarettes).
     Cigarettes are, of course, asshole-scent incense, in packs of 20 sticks, except for Marlboro Injectible, which has no smell and causes no forest fires, either.  Someday the Clean Air Act will contain stink provisions requiring a distance of a half-mile between a business center and a pig farm, or two miles between a business center and a cigarette smoker.  No, more likely cigarettes will come in Regular and Extra Stenchy, and when you smoke a Super-Stinker, the residue left on your clothes for months will get you extra space when you get on an elevator.  Everybody gets off the elevator from the nausea your clothes caused, and gets off of it, holding their noses.  That leaves more space for you.
     I´m homeless in San Diego, and a day or two before the City Council meetings we stop taking showers, so that we smell appropriate, and that gives the meetings and elevators a meaningful aroma.  A shame that it doesn´t show up on the TV cameras, but someday there may be Smell-A-Vision. 
     Getting back to smokers, we do need a cunt-and-butt spray for their faces, to keep their facial crack from smelling just like their other cracks.  You know, smoking causes the Zacklies.  When you smoke, your mouth smells Zackly like your ass.  Now that we have flavored condoms, to freshen the fellatio-breath of sex partners, it is the logical next step.  Cinnamon-raspberry condoms smell only a little bit like Holy Communion.  The Swallow (my cum) of the religious future.  Churches already know not to let smokers prepare the eucharist.  It already smells too much like jack in the box.  Can be fun if you find the right woman´s box.
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Occupation:  Unnecessary Charlatan Psychiatrist.
     Ever meet one?  I know one guy who has so much shit in his head that we gotta call the Roto-Rooter Man just to dig a big enuf channel so the HoneyWagon Sewer Truck can suck it all out when they visit.  Where are all of those starving plants out there?  Plants eat shit for food, and this guy´s head is a plant buffet.  We made him into a new kids toy, Dr. Fertilizer.
     Sort of like a Mister Potato Head, but this one is a psychiatrist with a "head" in his head, complete with a toilet seat.  Dr. Fertilizer speaks 15 different secret psychiatric languages, and comes with a play prescription pad.  Couch sold separately.  Kids empty his psychiatric-shit-head contents into a plant garden, to learn how plants grow from eating shit.  Now they can join politically-responsible organizations, like the American Sewage Association´s "Shit For Brains" program that helps supply shit for the Starving Plants Fund.  They mostly raise cows for their shit, and use the slogan, "Got Shit?"
     All this, of course, spawned the psychiatry-based board game, "Welcome to Diarrheaville", where the players are all at the Diarrheaville State Mental Hospital.  This is where people get their heads stuffed and crammed with shit, supervised by Sewage Generals and other outhouse workers.  Often the shit is taken from the heads of psychiatrists, like the Dr. Fertilizer dolls, but there is really no shortage of shit in peoples´ heads in our society.  Humankind grows it in there, nourished by television news, multiplying and overflowing until some of the shit leaks out under pressure, or flys out the anal cavity as a Wet Fart.  Then, psychiatrists and other shit-workers are called upon to shove all of that loose shit back into their heads.
     A mental brain-shit hospital is an SSD, or Special Shit Depot, that uses shit-tolerance drugs so people do not know how much shit is being crammed into their heads, plus they do not smell anything.  Otherwise, they´d really shit.  Swallowing the pills makes people that are getting their brains shit-crammed take it easier, and with enough brain-dope, they wouldn´t even know it if they fell into the vault of an outhouse.  Outhouses are food banks for plants, of course, because plants eat shit.  So, the outhouse vault is their food-bank-vault.
     This is one bank where you do not want your deposit back with interest, and nobody wants a tour of the vault, either.  The only paper in this vault is not currency, and a long way from being legal tender.  Tender, usually, but not legal.  What a lot of crap!  Well, eating shit is just a normal day for a plant.
     And, eating plants is a normal day for a human, but if you knew what that plant was eating, well, not everything is rain and sunshine.  Eating shit is probably what makes plants turn green, and you, too, would probably turn green from eating it.  I remember meeting the Jolly Green Bimbo, wife of the famous Jolly Green Giant.  Just like Santa Claus, he likes to shout "Ho-Ho-Ho", which means, of course, that he wants 3 ho´s.  Santa Claus is bad enough, horny old 3-ho man that he is, but the Green Giant has a dong so big that it could tear up the pussy of a huge whale (yes, whales have those).  No wonder they call the big male ones "Sperm" whales.  Enough jism to get half the ocean preggo all at once.  Think of it as Holy Communion on a massive scale, sort of like Kosher food.

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This guy is Yahweh Gabriel Moroni, and I write about him elsewhere.  He is not part of Hollywood Alien Comedy, but a real one, and a good friend.